So much has happened!

Dear Logan,

I am so sorry that I haven't been writing to you.  Mommy has been busy and stressed out about work.  By the time I get home from work, I didn't feel like doing much writing.  Now that I have a minute to sit down and won't be distracted, I think I should probably update you on what's going on in our lives.

- Mother's Day we celebrated at Gilroy Gardens.  I finally purchased the season pass and a pass for your brother.  We've only been there twice, but will definitely make good use of it.  Your brother had a lot of fun there, and wants to go back all the time.  The theme park has a lot of shades, and the rides are perfect for your brother's age.  It's not too big, so even if we've been walking around, it's actually not too tiring.  Your brother's favorite ride is the choo choo train!

- Mommy's friend at work is going through a lot lately.  Her mother came San Francisco to visit, and was seriously injured during a hike.  A branch fell off the tree and almost paralyzed her.  Luckily, she survived, but is going through rehab and still battling severe pain.  I feel so bad for my friend.  I totally understand the feeling of seeing your loved one lie on a hospital bed, being intubated and suffering, while you couldn't do anything to help. Everyone is optimistic that she would recover, but it's going to be a long road with a lot of pain killers.

- On the other hand, another co-worker of mine is battling cancer.  My understand is that she is going through chemotherapy and is recovering well.  But just the thought of another person affected by cancer is horrible.

- Speaking of cancer, our dear little friend Alan is going through chemo as well.  His tumor came back and threw everyone a big curve ball.  We're actually going to San Antonio to celebrate Uncle Harold's retirement from the Airforce and little Alan's successful fight against cancer this coming Thursday.  Unfortunately, Alan's party would have to be postponed.  I read a sad sad post on Uncle Harold's Facebook page about Alan's loss of hair AGAIN.  It's sad to see your little one and the whole family going through this again.  But on the bright side, the loss of hair proves that the chemo is working in fighting the tumor.

- Mommy has been obsessively researching about our August Family trip when Ah Gung, Ah Po, Uncle Carlos and Auntie Mena come to visit us.  I'm planning a S. Cal + Vegas trip.  I've been trying to find great deals, and ways on saving money.  The Tripadvisor Las Vegas forum has been my latest obsession.  I am always there reading about people's trip reports and finding out the best deals and best restaurants.

- The biggest stressor of life is my job.  I think I am at the point where I really need the change.  Daddy has been trying to get me to change to a different job for the longest time, but I have been reluctant because I like my job and it's flexible.  But after our move, the commute to work is so long that I often get too tired when I come home.  I don't have the energy to play with your brother, thus ending him sitting in front of the tv or computer a lot in the evenings.  I tried to make it up by taking him to do fun things on the weekends, but that also means I have no time to relax.  Besides, the price of gas is also killing me.  I hate to think that it's all about money, but the reality is, money does play a big role in this decision.  Your brother's private education is not cheap and Mommy really loves to travel but couldn't do so as much as I wanted.  If I can get a job closer to home and pays more, then life might be better.  Or maybe not, as I might hate my new job!  I don't know.  I can't really do anything now aside from updating my resume.  At least, I have to wait till my August vacation is over, then I can seriously and actively look for another job.  No new job will let me take 3 weeks off from work.  Wish me luck.

A quick update on life.  I promise I will write more often.

Love and miss you,
Mommy

March for Babies

Dear Logan,

Sorry I didn't get to write to you earlier. It's been a busy week and I finally got to sit down in front of my computer and concentrate on writing to you. Last Saturday's walk was wonderful. There was a great turnout and it appeared that there were many more walkers this year than last year.

Team The Arc of San Francisco was able to raise about $4000! How amazing is that! More than half of that amount was raised by my clients. I was so proud of them to be so actively soliciting donations from their friends, family and coworkers. About $700 was raised by our Adobo Chicken Lunch Sale and the Coffee and Bagel Sale. An about $1000 was raised by Mommy. I am grateful that friends continue to support my effort to raise money. Even though you're not born a preemie, I still felt a close connection to all the little babies we saw at the NICU, and especially when this walk happens each year so close to your anniversary.

The night before the walk, we stayed at Grandma's house so that we didn't have to drive up to SF early in the morning. I couldn't sleep that night. My brain was too busy thinking about the walk and I was too anxious. Even though I didn't have coffee all day on Saturday, adrenaline was pumping and I was full of energy. But by the end of the day, my coffee headache came and I needed my 'drug'.

We arrived at Fort Mason at around 8:30 a.m. and I frantically tried to locate a table or a tent for our team. I then found out that only companies with big sponsors got one of the white tents. I then located a spot right next to the stage and waited for my clients and staff to arrive. People slowly arrived in groups by bus. The walk started at around 9:20 a.m. Uncle Yance and his friends joined us again this year and we all did the whole 6.25 miles. I was happy to see that some clients and staff made it all the way as well. Everyone seemed to be very excited and it didn't hurt that the weather was beautiful. Your brother walked about 2 miles with Grandma, and then sat in the stroller on his way back. I was glad I borrowed back the stroller I gave away for your brother. I wouldn't want to carry him back. I was so tired.

After the walk, we headed back to Grandma's house for a long afternoon nap. Had dinner with her and then drove back home. If we drove home right after, your brother would just sleep uncomfortably in the car and then wake up when we got home. That means none of us would be able to recuperate. The following days, I was so sore. Mommy is really out of shape.

It was a great event and I am glad we got to do this again. It's too soon to think about next year. A lot can happen in a year.

Were you watching us while we walked? We're doing it in memory of you.


Love you,
Mommy

One year ....

Dear Logan,

Today is the first year anniversary of your passing.  I really can't imagine it's been a year already.  I can still remember clearly everything that happened a year ago. I did take a day off from work today. At first, I didn't know if I should, as I really didn't know what I should do if I did take it off.  But then, it didn't seem right if I work and pretend today is not a special day.  So instead of drowning myself in sorrow and re-read my blog posts, I scheduled a haircut appointment to cut 10 inches off to donate to Locks of Love.  I was inspired by Auntie Judy and Little Alan to donate my hair.

I went to Legar Salon in Palo Alto to get my hair cut.  I looked online to find a salon that has experiences cutting hair for Locks of Love, and found this one.  Oh my, this is the most expensive haircut I've ever gotten in my life. To a lot of people, it's not expensive, but I'm used to going to cheap Chinese places to get my $10-15 cuts.  $40 for a haircut is quite a lot for me.  But it's all good.  I think Katie did a good job and I am very happy with my haircut.  I was surprised 10 inches of hair is actually not as long as I thought.  I thought I would have super short hair, but am pleasantly surprised that I didn't end up with a very boyish hair cut.  Now I just need to mail my ponytail out.

My only regret for today is the inability to hang up your quilt.  I've been hoping to do that today, but by the time we got home from visiting you and dinner, it's already past 8 p.m.  Hammering at 8 p.m. but not be very considerate. We'll just have to do it this weekend.

Though I didn't re-read my blog posts, I did take out my "Logan Box".  A box that holds all of my memories of you: your first Santa outfit, your little hat, cards, documents, toys, and medical records.  I've been trying to keep myself very busy today.  I miss you, but I was too busy to dwell on it and cry.  I know these feelings come and go.  I would be fine for a while, but then the overwhelming feeling of sadness can hit me anytime, mostly when I am driving.

Now, I'll just focus all of my energy on next Saturday's March for Babies.



Miss and Love you,
Mommy

Brining back memories...

Dear Logan,

Just a few more days will be your anniversary.  I can't believe a year has almost passed.  I still remember clearly the last few weeks of your life.  I took Thursday off, but aside from visiting you, I think I am going to get my hair chopped off, and donate it to Locks of Love.  I figure I should do something meaningful in memory of you.  I have yet to find a place who has cut hair for Locks of Love, if not, I'll just tell them what needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took your brother to The Tech Museum in San Jose.  On our way out while waiting for Daddy to come pick us up, I ran into Nurse Julie.  Nurse Julie was one of the nice nurses at Kaiser PICU that has taken care of you.  When I first saw her, I immediately recognized her, but didn't say hi, worried she might not remember me.  Then our gaze met and she actually remembered me, and my name, too.  What a coincidence, especially when it's so close to your anniversary.  I haven't met anyone from Kaiser since your passing, though I've been to Kaiser a few times since.

Nurse Julie was your admitting nurse both times you were transported from the S. SF ER to the PICU in Santa Clara.  She was the one that took care of you when you spent your last day on earth.  I trusted her in taking good care of you, wrapping you in a blanket, and keeping you company, when Daddy and Mommy could no longer physically spend time and hold you anymore.

Seeing her again, and writing this letter to you brought, back all these memories.


Miss you so much,
Mommy

Chicken Adobo Lunch Sale!

Dear Logan,

Mommy is proud to say that we have raised over $420 during our Chicken Adobo Lunch sale at work for March for Babies last Thursday. We spent most Wednesday at work preparing for the food. We made 5 big pots of chicken drumsticks! Well, since Mommy's not really a cook, I was just in charge of chopping tons of garlic, washing dishes and last minute Costco run for extra chicken and other ingredients. Lola Lolita was the main driving force behind this event. I owed all the success to her leadership and her forcefulness in getting people to help out and to buy our lunches. Lola is the best!

The actual sale was last Thursday, April 8. We had so much chicken, I was worried we would have a lot of leftovers. Luckily, we sold everything! For $5 a plate, we sold over 80 plates! People started getting their lunches from 9:30 a.m., all the way till 1:30 p.m. I was so tired at the end of the day, even though I was just in charge of collecting money. I bet our chefs were super tired, though they didn't show a bit.

Next week, we'll be doing a coffee and bagel sale. We're lucky enough to be able to get donations, so we don't have to purchase much. Of course, Lola was the one that assisted in getting all the donated goodies. She has an excellent working relationship with Noah's and Salesforce.com to get them to donate coffee and bagels to us. Unfortunately, I won't be able to help out, but I think we'll be just fine.

Just two more weeks to the big March for Babies Walk!


Love you,
Mommy