Dream...

Hi Logan,

Mommy had a dream about you last night. It's not really a good dream, because I dreamed of your funeral. It's weird. I remember being at some place like a funeral home, meeting with someone there to estimate the cost of the service. Well, it's some sort of meeting. Then for some reason, your great grand aunt #6 and #7 from Macau and China were there fixing flowers outside. I called them in, and instead of having a meeting with the funeral people, it became your funeral itself. I didn't see any other family member. The only person that was consistent in my dream was this funeral home person, who I have never met. I remember during your funeral service, we were led to this hall, kinda Church-like. But it was sectioned off into three different areas, with three different funeral services going on. A huge one was in the middle, attended by many. A smaller one on the right. We're on the left. I vaguely remember your coffin up there, but I don't remember seeing anyone else, or any faces that I recognize. Your funeral was only attended by me. It was sad. I don't remember the details of the rest of the dream. It's a very weird dream.

I think I had the dream because I finally finalized the design of your marker. Last night, I signed the second proof of it, and e-mailed it to the consultant at Gate of Heaven. It's confirmed, and it'll take up to 12 weeks for it to be completed. Maybe because of that, I had this weird dream of you.

I would have liked to dream of you as a baby in my arms, of me singing to you, or rocking you. But not of the supposedly you in the coffin. I didn't even get to see your face.

There are times when I tried to re-live the days that we had. I ended up always feeling sad, and had to hold back my tears. But I also don't want to forget about the little time that we have spent together. I worry that I will forget those times if I don't constantly remind myself of it. It's a viscious cycle of memory-sadness-memory-sadness.

I've been meaning to write to you about last weekend. We spent time and the night at Uncle Paul and Auntie Rachel's house. Your brother fed the chickens, stalked a kitty cat that didn't like to be stalked, and played miniature golf. We then went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival on Sunday. I plan to write to you in details about everything that happened, but I didn't feel like doing that anymore. Probably because it has been a few days already. Work has been busy, and I've been tired everyday after I get home. Sometimes I want to write to you, but I am too tired and don't want to concentrate to write. It doesn't help when my laptop space bar is not working and I have to actually sit in front of my pc to write. I just usually get online on my laptop these days when I am mindlessly web surfing or facebooking., while watching TV.

Anyway, I miss you so much. Time doesn't seem to make it any better.


Miss you,
Mommy

I dreamt of you

Dear Logan,

Mommy had a first dream of you last night...it's more like early this morning. I think I saw you in an open casket, just like you were sleeping. There were people who were trying to bury you. But before they could dig up some dirt with their shovels and pour that onto you, you opened your eyes. I told them to stop and told them you're awake. You looked like you woke up from your sleep, cried a little, and then looked around. You were as if checking out the environment, trying to figure out what was going on. Then, your big brother woke me up. I think I tried to go back to sleep to see you again, but before I could dream again, your brother woke me up again. When I was awake, I didn't feel sad. I told myself, I saw Logan. This is my first time dreaming of you. I told myself I have to blog about this dream, so that I will never forget about it. I remember your eyes were so wide-opened, just like when you were at home, looking around.

Maybe it's all the baby news, and the news of my friend's baby that prompted me to miss you even more. Or maybe, you know it's Mommy's birthday, and you wanted to surprise me and say "Happy Birthday". Or maybe, Mommy subconsciously misses you a lot, even though consciously I am pre-occupied with taking care of your brother. Whatever the reason it may be, I am glad that I saw your face again.

Today was a good day. I spent time with family and friends. We went to Fisherman's Wharf with Ah Gung, Ah Po, Auntie Mena and big brother for dim sum, played a little and walked around. At night, Mommy had dinner with Father Conroy and some friends from Church. During Father's homily, I thought of you. I thought of how you have brought me closer to God again. Mommy has abandoned God the last few years because of all these excuses. But because of you, I am closer to God again. I remember Father said, his prayers are for Mommy and all of us here, not especially for you, because you are already in good hands. It's us that need the extra support. He is right. You are in a better and happier place. You are our little guardian angel.

Time for Mommy to sleep. Tomorrow will be a very busy day. I will tell you all about Mommy's birthday celebration tomorrow.


Miss you,
Mommy