Dream...

Hi Logan,

Mommy had a dream about you last night. It's not really a good dream, because I dreamed of your funeral. It's weird. I remember being at some place like a funeral home, meeting with someone there to estimate the cost of the service. Well, it's some sort of meeting. Then for some reason, your great grand aunt #6 and #7 from Macau and China were there fixing flowers outside. I called them in, and instead of having a meeting with the funeral people, it became your funeral itself. I didn't see any other family member. The only person that was consistent in my dream was this funeral home person, who I have never met. I remember during your funeral service, we were led to this hall, kinda Church-like. But it was sectioned off into three different areas, with three different funeral services going on. A huge one was in the middle, attended by many. A smaller one on the right. We're on the left. I vaguely remember your coffin up there, but I don't remember seeing anyone else, or any faces that I recognize. Your funeral was only attended by me. It was sad. I don't remember the details of the rest of the dream. It's a very weird dream.

I think I had the dream because I finally finalized the design of your marker. Last night, I signed the second proof of it, and e-mailed it to the consultant at Gate of Heaven. It's confirmed, and it'll take up to 12 weeks for it to be completed. Maybe because of that, I had this weird dream of you.

I would have liked to dream of you as a baby in my arms, of me singing to you, or rocking you. But not of the supposedly you in the coffin. I didn't even get to see your face.

There are times when I tried to re-live the days that we had. I ended up always feeling sad, and had to hold back my tears. But I also don't want to forget about the little time that we have spent together. I worry that I will forget those times if I don't constantly remind myself of it. It's a viscious cycle of memory-sadness-memory-sadness.

I've been meaning to write to you about last weekend. We spent time and the night at Uncle Paul and Auntie Rachel's house. Your brother fed the chickens, stalked a kitty cat that didn't like to be stalked, and played miniature golf. We then went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival on Sunday. I plan to write to you in details about everything that happened, but I didn't feel like doing that anymore. Probably because it has been a few days already. Work has been busy, and I've been tired everyday after I get home. Sometimes I want to write to you, but I am too tired and don't want to concentrate to write. It doesn't help when my laptop space bar is not working and I have to actually sit in front of my pc to write. I just usually get online on my laptop these days when I am mindlessly web surfing or facebooking., while watching TV.

Anyway, I miss you so much. Time doesn't seem to make it any better.


Miss you,
Mommy

First proof of the "door"

Hi Honey,

Mommy got a call and email from Denise of Gate of Heaven. She e-mailed me the proof of your "door". Looking at it, I think we're going to make some changes. We will reduce the size of your last name to be the same size as your name, but all in capital letters. Then I think we will change the dates from "11/16/08-4/15/09" to "Nov 16, 2008 - Apr 15, 2009". The dates might be a little smaller, but I think it'll look nicer than just all numbers. I thought about moving the cross from the top left corner to the top right corner (before seeing it). But now that I am looking at it, spatial wise, I think it looks better on the left.

I am not sure if I'll be completely satisfied after all these changes, and I might want to change something again. After all, I need to see it first. This is something important and I want to make sure we are doing it right. Everything has to be perfect.

I'll keep you posted, ok?


Love you,
Mommy

We've designed your marker...

Hi Sweetheart,

After waiting for almost 3 months, Daddy and Mommy finally set-up an appointment to design your "door". We went yesterday, and the whole process took less than 30 mins. Daddy already had a design in mind, a little different than what I want. In the end, we went with simplicity. Daddy didn't like Mommy's suggestion of putting "My Beloved Little Lobster" and aimed for something simple, "My Beloved Son". I know my suggestion was a little weird and out of the ordinary, but you're my little lobster. Just want you to be different and special. Oh well... I guess with something that lasts for a long time, we shouldn't use that. We used the Mountain Black stone, which is basically black with some white dots. I believe this color endures the calcium deposits a lot better than the others. We've chosen a picture of an angel boy, sitting with a lamb, plus a cross, all on the left side of your "door". The other words were simple:

My Beloved Son
LOGAN MICHAEL
LEE
11/16/08-4/15/09

Your door is small, so we couldn't fit more words on it, especially we have the other design. We opted to NOT have your picture there. We couldn't find a satisfactory picture of you. I don't want to pick a picture when you're only 2-3 months old, when you're close to 5 months old. But your older pictures were of you in the hospital, and I couldn't pick one of you when you're on the ventilator. Your "door" will just be very simple. I wanted to add words like "Daddy, Mommy and Big Brother will always love you", but I would have to put that on the bottom, towards the edge. Not too visible, so we decided not to do that.

It's going to take another month for us to get the proof back, and then 3 more months to have it completed. The whole process will take about 4 months before you can have your "door". In the meantime, I thought of printing out a sheet of paper with my own design, laminate it and tape it on your temporary door. It looks better than the piece of wood that's there. I saw another baby having something like that.

As you have noticed, they took your pinwheels away. I especially left them there to see if they really clear the area, even if they're not flowers. I tired to place the 3 pinwheels out of the common grass area as possible, but they still took them away. Someone also took away the Yahoo ball that Daddy gave you, only leaving a ring and a rattler there. Grrr....I wonder who took that away. I saw many people put up wind chimes on the branches of a tree close by, maybe I'll do that as well. Unfortunately now that Mommy's back to work, I can't come see you every week to take the pinwheels away, and put them back after mowing days. Gotta figure out another way. I don't want them to keep taking the pinwheels away every week. Maybe I'll just put one there during special holidays, that will last a while.

We'll all come to see you again real soon, ok?


Love you,
Mommy