Hi Logan,
Mommy had a dream about you last night. It's not really a good dream, because I dreamed of your funeral. It's weird. I remember being at some place like a funeral home, meeting with someone there to estimate the cost of the service. Well, it's some sort of meeting. Then for some reason, your great grand aunt #6 and #7 from Macau and China were there fixing flowers outside. I called them in, and instead of having a meeting with the funeral people, it became your funeral itself. I didn't see any other family member. The only person that was consistent in my dream was this funeral home person, who I have never met. I remember during your funeral service, we were led to this hall, kinda Church-like. But it was sectioned off into three different areas, with three different funeral services going on. A huge one was in the middle, attended by many. A smaller one on the right. We're on the left. I vaguely remember your coffin up there, but I don't remember seeing anyone else, or any faces that I recognize. Your funeral was only attended by me. It was sad. I don't remember the details of the rest of the dream. It's a very weird dream.
I think I had the dream because I finally finalized the design of your marker. Last night, I signed the second proof of it, and e-mailed it to the consultant at Gate of Heaven. It's confirmed, and it'll take up to 12 weeks for it to be completed. Maybe because of that, I had this weird dream of you.
I would have liked to dream of you as a baby in my arms, of me singing to you, or rocking you. But not of the supposedly you in the coffin. I didn't even get to see your face.
There are times when I tried to re-live the days that we had. I ended up always feeling sad, and had to hold back my tears. But I also don't want to forget about the little time that we have spent together. I worry that I will forget those times if I don't constantly remind myself of it. It's a viscious cycle of memory-sadness-memory-sadness.
I've been meaning to write to you about last weekend. We spent time and the night at Uncle Paul and Auntie Rachel's house. Your brother fed the chickens, stalked a kitty cat that didn't like to be stalked, and played miniature golf. We then went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival on Sunday. I plan to write to you in details about everything that happened, but I didn't feel like doing that anymore. Probably because it has been a few days already. Work has been busy, and I've been tired everyday after I get home. Sometimes I want to write to you, but I am too tired and don't want to concentrate to write. It doesn't help when my laptop space bar is not working and I have to actually sit in front of my pc to write. I just usually get online on my laptop these days when I am mindlessly web surfing or facebooking., while watching TV.
Anyway, I miss you so much. Time doesn't seem to make it any better.
Miss you,
Mommy
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
A Hundred Days
Dear Logan,
Last Saturday marked the 100th day of your entry to Heaven. We didn't do anything special for you aside from bringing you some flowers and singing you some songs. Did you like the songs that your brother sang to you? He actually sang you 3 songs! I think he's used to the idea that you're not in the hospital anymore. I told him you're in Heaven now. I remember reading about how to tell children of death, and that we should be concrete and not talk about angels and heaven. But, I am not sure what term I should use to refer to your new place. I don't want to introduce him to the term "cemetery". Instead, I said Heaven, because you ARE in Heaven and the name of the cemetery is Gate of Heaven.
I know Ah Gung and Ah Po had again arranged a mass for you in Macau. I didn't do that here. Instead, I sent a prayer request through St. Joseph's website and wish the kind parishioners would pray for you.
Wow, 100 days already. Sometimes it seems like you're gone for a long time, but sometimes it seems like we were just at the hospital not too long ago. It's weird.
After visiting you, Daddy, Mommy and Big brother went down to Sunnyvale. I'll tell you about our weekend in the next couple letters, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Last Saturday marked the 100th day of your entry to Heaven. We didn't do anything special for you aside from bringing you some flowers and singing you some songs. Did you like the songs that your brother sang to you? He actually sang you 3 songs! I think he's used to the idea that you're not in the hospital anymore. I told him you're in Heaven now. I remember reading about how to tell children of death, and that we should be concrete and not talk about angels and heaven. But, I am not sure what term I should use to refer to your new place. I don't want to introduce him to the term "cemetery". Instead, I said Heaven, because you ARE in Heaven and the name of the cemetery is Gate of Heaven.
I know Ah Gung and Ah Po had again arranged a mass for you in Macau. I didn't do that here. Instead, I sent a prayer request through St. Joseph's website and wish the kind parishioners would pray for you.
Wow, 100 days already. Sometimes it seems like you're gone for a long time, but sometimes it seems like we were just at the hospital not too long ago. It's weird.
After visiting you, Daddy, Mommy and Big brother went down to Sunnyvale. I'll tell you about our weekend in the next couple letters, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
First proof of the "door"
Hi Honey,
Mommy got a call and email from Denise of Gate of Heaven. She e-mailed me the proof of your "door". Looking at it, I think we're going to make some changes. We will reduce the size of your last name to be the same size as your name, but all in capital letters. Then I think we will change the dates from "11/16/08-4/15/09" to "Nov 16, 2008 - Apr 15, 2009". The dates might be a little smaller, but I think it'll look nicer than just all numbers. I thought about moving the cross from the top left corner to the top right corner (before seeing it). But now that I am looking at it, spatial wise, I think it looks better on the left.
I am not sure if I'll be completely satisfied after all these changes, and I might want to change something again. After all, I need to see it first. This is something important and I want to make sure we are doing it right. Everything has to be perfect.
I'll keep you posted, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Mommy got a call and email from Denise of Gate of Heaven. She e-mailed me the proof of your "door". Looking at it, I think we're going to make some changes. We will reduce the size of your last name to be the same size as your name, but all in capital letters. Then I think we will change the dates from "11/16/08-4/15/09" to "Nov 16, 2008 - Apr 15, 2009". The dates might be a little smaller, but I think it'll look nicer than just all numbers. I thought about moving the cross from the top left corner to the top right corner (before seeing it). But now that I am looking at it, spatial wise, I think it looks better on the left.
I am not sure if I'll be completely satisfied after all these changes, and I might want to change something again. After all, I need to see it first. This is something important and I want to make sure we are doing it right. Everything has to be perfect.
I'll keep you posted, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Sunday, July 19, 2009
"Mommy, don't be scared of the Church"
Hello Sweetheart,
Did you like the carnations that we brought you today? The bunch was a little small. Next time I need to get more. Did you like the song that your brother sang to you? He was excited to come see you, and to see the pinwheels at other kids' place. Your brother still associates you with the hospital. I had to remind him that you're not in the hospital anymore. I was glad to see that after he explored the area a little bit, he went back to see you. He didn't just run off without saying goodbye.
After visiting you, we went down to Sunday mass in Cupertino, where you had your funeral mass. This is the first time we came back since April, and your brother still remembers me crying last time. While I was holding his hand and walking towards the church, he said to me, "Mommy, don't cry, ok?" and "Mommy, don't be scared of the Church... you don't need to be scared". He still remembers seeing me crying when I was walking you out after your mass. I told him that I won't cry, and I am not scared anymore. It's amazing how he still remembers little things like this. He didn't say those words to me last week when we went to a different Church.
Aidan was actually very well-behaved. He likes going to this church because of the digital numbers of the hymns. He's excited to wait and see what the next hymn number would be. We thought about sitting in the baby room, away from the main hall. But since it wasn't full when we're there, we chose to sit with everyone else. It helps that there were 2 kids sitting in front of us. Your brother was actually better behaved than them. We'll probably come to this church more often after we move.
We'll come see you again next Saturday. Ah Po reminded me today that next Saturday marks the 100th day of your passing.
Love you,
Mommy
Did you like the carnations that we brought you today? The bunch was a little small. Next time I need to get more. Did you like the song that your brother sang to you? He was excited to come see you, and to see the pinwheels at other kids' place. Your brother still associates you with the hospital. I had to remind him that you're not in the hospital anymore. I was glad to see that after he explored the area a little bit, he went back to see you. He didn't just run off without saying goodbye.
After visiting you, we went down to Sunday mass in Cupertino, where you had your funeral mass. This is the first time we came back since April, and your brother still remembers me crying last time. While I was holding his hand and walking towards the church, he said to me, "Mommy, don't cry, ok?" and "Mommy, don't be scared of the Church... you don't need to be scared". He still remembers seeing me crying when I was walking you out after your mass. I told him that I won't cry, and I am not scared anymore. It's amazing how he still remembers little things like this. He didn't say those words to me last week when we went to a different Church.
Aidan was actually very well-behaved. He likes going to this church because of the digital numbers of the hymns. He's excited to wait and see what the next hymn number would be. We thought about sitting in the baby room, away from the main hall. But since it wasn't full when we're there, we chose to sit with everyone else. It helps that there were 2 kids sitting in front of us. Your brother was actually better behaved than them. We'll probably come to this church more often after we move.
We'll come see you again next Saturday. Ah Po reminded me today that next Saturday marks the 100th day of your passing.
Love you,
Mommy
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Casual Saturday, Simple Fun
Hello Logan,
It was a beautiful day here in South SF today. I looked up the temperature, it's super hot down there in Los Gatos. We had a casual Saturday, after a rather rough start in the morning. We couldn't decide on what to do. Mommy wanted to do something fun, like going to the beach, or a museum or Great America. But Daddy wasn't up for it, mainly because of our finances. We should really cut down on our spending in anticipation of our mortgage payments in the near future. I totally understand that, but on the other hand, I think I was trying to over-compensate, by wanting to give your brother the most fun activities. I guess because your brother will be my only living child, I want to give him the best. Afterall, it was a beautiful day today, and I don't want to be stuck at home. Knowing all of us, we would just end up being in front of the computer, playing the Wii or gameboy.
However, we ended up with a nice, casual itinerary. We went out to our familiar Orange Memorial park for some park/playground fun. We actually brought our Spiderman soccer ball, which Daddy got your brother for Xmas and we never played with it outdoors. It was your brother's first real attempt at playing soccer. I have to say, I am pretty proud of him. He had a lot of fun and he wanted to play some more next time. This would be good exercise for all of us. Then we took a little break and played with some bubbles. You should know by now how much your big brother LOVES blowing bubbles. Did that for a little while, and then it's some simple playground fun.
We stayed at the park for less than an hour, and then we headed to the Farmer's Market by SSF BART station. This is the first time we go to the Farmer's market at this new location. It used to be at Orange Memorial Park. Aidan wasn't very interested at first, because we dragged him away from the park. But once we got there, he couldn't resist the temptation of all the delicious, organic strawberries, nectarines, white, and yellow peaches. They were all very sweet and juicy. We ended up buying 3 small baskets of strawberries for $6, and a few white peaches. We also saw some nice, pink carnations for a pretty cheap price, and we got them for you. We'll bring these lovely flowers to see you tomorrow, ok?
After that, it's lunch time. Your brother wasn't very hungry after all the fruits. He had a most unhealthy lunch: fries and a few pieces of terriyaki chicken, plus apple juice. We hung out at the Tanforan mall for a little while, so that your brother could head to the children's play area. He used to play in there a lot when he was younger. We would go there on a Sunday early morning before the 10 million kids arrive. It's always very busy there, especially on rainy days. Your brother also got to ride some coin-operated car and roller coaster.
We really didn't go anywhere special. All these places are just our usual hang out places, but I felt that we had a pretty good day. I guess it really doesn't cost a lot to have fun. I just need to remind myself of that. Besides, your brother is pretty low-maintenance. The simplest of things make him happy. He would be happy blowing bubbles all day long, if he could.
Love you,
Mommy
It was a beautiful day here in South SF today. I looked up the temperature, it's super hot down there in Los Gatos. We had a casual Saturday, after a rather rough start in the morning. We couldn't decide on what to do. Mommy wanted to do something fun, like going to the beach, or a museum or Great America. But Daddy wasn't up for it, mainly because of our finances. We should really cut down on our spending in anticipation of our mortgage payments in the near future. I totally understand that, but on the other hand, I think I was trying to over-compensate, by wanting to give your brother the most fun activities. I guess because your brother will be my only living child, I want to give him the best. Afterall, it was a beautiful day today, and I don't want to be stuck at home. Knowing all of us, we would just end up being in front of the computer, playing the Wii or gameboy.
However, we ended up with a nice, casual itinerary. We went out to our familiar Orange Memorial park for some park/playground fun. We actually brought our Spiderman soccer ball, which Daddy got your brother for Xmas and we never played with it outdoors. It was your brother's first real attempt at playing soccer. I have to say, I am pretty proud of him. He had a lot of fun and he wanted to play some more next time. This would be good exercise for all of us. Then we took a little break and played with some bubbles. You should know by now how much your big brother LOVES blowing bubbles. Did that for a little while, and then it's some simple playground fun.
We stayed at the park for less than an hour, and then we headed to the Farmer's Market by SSF BART station. This is the first time we go to the Farmer's market at this new location. It used to be at Orange Memorial Park. Aidan wasn't very interested at first, because we dragged him away from the park. But once we got there, he couldn't resist the temptation of all the delicious, organic strawberries, nectarines, white, and yellow peaches. They were all very sweet and juicy. We ended up buying 3 small baskets of strawberries for $6, and a few white peaches. We also saw some nice, pink carnations for a pretty cheap price, and we got them for you. We'll bring these lovely flowers to see you tomorrow, ok?
After that, it's lunch time. Your brother wasn't very hungry after all the fruits. He had a most unhealthy lunch: fries and a few pieces of terriyaki chicken, plus apple juice. We hung out at the Tanforan mall for a little while, so that your brother could head to the children's play area. He used to play in there a lot when he was younger. We would go there on a Sunday early morning before the 10 million kids arrive. It's always very busy there, especially on rainy days. Your brother also got to ride some coin-operated car and roller coaster.
We really didn't go anywhere special. All these places are just our usual hang out places, but I felt that we had a pretty good day. I guess it really doesn't cost a lot to have fun. I just need to remind myself of that. Besides, your brother is pretty low-maintenance. The simplest of things make him happy. He would be happy blowing bubbles all day long, if he could.
Love you,
Mommy
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