I just finished watching "Private Practice". The medical story of this episode was focused on choosing which of the two sick twin girls their parents had to save. Twin girls were both sick and they were relying on their newborn brother's cord blood to do blood transfusion to save them. However, there's not enough blood to save both of them, and the girls' parents had to choose who to save. How do you decide who to save? It's such an agonizing episode.
The episode reminded me of a conversation I had with Daddy and Grandma, and also inside my head when you were sick. I remember thinking by letting you go, I was choosing your brother over you. It appeared that by letting you go, life would be easier because I didn't have to deal with home-care nurses taking care of your overnight. We wouldn't be tied down at home because you would require a lot of attention, and we wouldn't have to worry about your tracheostomy, or medication, or doctor visits. These were such horrible thoughts. I knew that's not the case. I knew by letting you go, was to relieve you from all pain and suffering. By letting you go was not the easier choice. By letting you go, we were not choosing one son over another. But why did it still hurt when all these feelings were brought up when I was watching this episode?
It's been 9.5 months since you left us. On one hand, it felt like you have left us for a long time, as life has settled down and we have moved on with our lives. On the other hand, I could remember all that has happened 9.5 months ago. It felt like it was yesterday when we had to make the most difficult decision of our lives. We might have moved on with our lives, but you are still definitely in our hearts.
Love and Miss you,
Mommy
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