Let's end 2008 on a good note - NO more feeding tube!

Logan has been feeding well the last two days and we have decided to take out his feeding tube. Even though he still needs a little help with squeezing the bottle, he's been able to finish all of his 80ml within 30-45 mins, sometimes even 20 mins. With such great progress, we get to see his pretty face without that yucky tube. Now if only we could get the oxygen cannula out, that would be perfect. We'll be patient, one thing at a time.

Today's New Year's Eve. We're not going out to party, but we did go out to have lunch at Moonstar Buffet. It's not the best food, but we like the variety and it's close enough. Of course we brought Logan with us. He was awake the whole time and fussed a little (we found out he got a big poopy diaper!). We noticed that he is usually awake between mid-morning and afternoon, thus, wanting our attention during lunch time.

Ah Gung enjoyed the different desserts, while Ah Po dug into the pile of crab legs. Big brother Aidan's favorite dish... strawberry ice-cream . Who doesn't love ice-cream? He also enjoys all the different fruits, especially, grapes. We spent 3 hours at the restaurant and probably got our money's worth.

We're still full from our buffet that we didn't have a big dinner. We did indeed open up a bottle of champagne that's been in the fridge for quite some time. Luckily, it's still bubbly and hasn't turned sour yet. It's been a long time since Mommy had any alcohol and she just pumped before enjoying it as well.

Here, we wish you all a very HAPPY and HEALTHY 2009!! Party and drive safely.

Christmas 2008

Christmas was a lovely day. As mommy was explaining to Aidan when he refused to wash his hands for dinner, Christmas is a time for family. It's a time when family all get together and sit together for dinner. Family includes daddy, mommy, ah gung (grandpa), ah po (grandma), Aidan and Logan, that's why we all need to sit down and enjoy our Christmas dinner. He bought it and went to wash his hands. He has grown to accept reasoning and will not listen if you just bark our your orders.

The best Christmas gift for us is to have Logan join us. When he was at the ICN, that's what we wished for, even though he still has all his tubes, at least he appears healthy to us. We also dressed him up as Santa's Little helper. So cute!

Christmas morning was filled with gifts and pictures. We took tons of pictures (you can see more pictures at our photo gallery at http://aidan.mrtoga.net) and Aidan opened many gifts (the most of his 3 Christmases), thanks to family and friends. But guess what, his favorite gift was his brother's Rainforest Waterfall Soother that grandparents bought Logan. He just loves anything with music and lights. It took us a good hour or more for all the picture taking and presents opening in the morning. Fun times.

Then we headed to our annual Christmas mass (except Daddy and Logan who stayed at home). It's been a long time since mommy went to Church. Aidan went when he was a baby and when he was about a year old. After he could walk, we stopped going, worried that he would be running around and causing trouble. We only go on Christmas Day. Yes, we're THAT type of Catholic. :) As suspected, Aidan couldn't sit still at church. Mommy had to watch him closely at the back of the church where other kids and parents were hanging out. He was running around, playing with doors (his favorite thing in the world), looking at the lights, and being his talkative little self. Actually, it wasn't too bad.

In the afternoon, Aidan spent time with grandparents playing with his bubble gun. For some reason, he's scared of touching bubbles. He likes to see them, but not touch them. He is slowly overcoming that fear play by play. Mommy then built a gingerbread house with Aidan. That must be the ugliest gingerbread house in the world. But you know what, it's the process and the experience that count, and not the end result, right? At least Aidan had fun putting the candies on the house, while licking his frosting-coated fingers.

With all the craziness going on in the house, we're unable to cook our Christmas dinner. But that doesn't prevent us from having our nice big turkey, thanks to Lucky's Holiday dinner! All we needed to do was pop the turkey in the oven and microwave the side dishes. Voila! It tasted pretty good, too! We also brought Logan out to the kitchen and to enjoy dinner with us. Like I told Aidan, Christmas is a time to spend with the family, and we can't do that without Logan.

Eating shouldn't be this difficult

It's about 5:30 a.m. on Christmas Day. Just finished Logan's 4 a.m. feeding, washed the bottle and the pumping accessories, finally got Logan to sleep (with a few cries once in a while). Hopefully, he can take a nap now and be awake in a few hours for the opening of Christmas presents. I am usually on the early morning/overnight shift. My new sleeping schedule is from 9 p.m. to whenever Hank wakes me up (between midnight and 3 a.m.) after his night shift, and then I'll take over. Luckily during the day (actually, most of the day), grandparents are helping out.

Feeding is still so difficult. None of the nipples that we got seem to work very well with him. He was eating a lot better the first day he got back from the hospital, then slowly eating less and less. We tried two nipples for babies with cleft palates as well. One seemed to work well for a day, and then not so good the next. Another was supposed to work better because it's an orthodontic one and was recommended to us by nurses, but it appeared worse than the other one. I hate to tube-feed him every single time as this signifies the tube has to stay in him much longer than we want it to be. To add to that, he's been fussing and crying during feedings. I am not sure why but I suspect the combination of the following: 1) annoying cannula bugging his nose, 2) annoying tube bugging his throat, 3) he has a lot of gas (he farts a lot), or 4) he's just fussy.

We also find that Logan likes to be held, a little too much. Grandpa spoils him by holding him every single time he makes a little peep. I am not sure if he's used to all of us holding him while he's at the hospital, that's why now that he smells us, he wants to be held. I try to rock him in his rocker to calm him down, but if he continues to cry, I will break down as well and pick him up. It's really difficult to hear your baby cries and not do anything. I think this is true for all parents, even though you're a believer of the Crying It Out approach. On a positive note, when he was born, his cries were voiceless. You could see him turn blood red like a lobster, yet the cry was so soft or non-existent. Now that he's older and stronger, he becomes more normal, as in a cry is really a cry. I remember thinking and telling the nurses that it's better to have a colicky baby, than one that's lethargic and doesn't cry. To all those mothers with colicky babies, I give props to you for dealing with it, but it's also better than to have a baby who doesn't cry and has to go through tests to find out why.

Such a good big brother....still...

It's surprising how well Aidan adapted to our newest addition to the family. We haven't seen any signs of jealousy yet and he seems to really enjoy being around Logan. He would like to hang out in his old bedroom aka Logan's room with all of us, petting Logan and singing to him when asked to. Speaking of singing, when I was trying to get Logan to sleep the other day, I told Aidan to sing Logan a song. He sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and said the Chinese words ("gau gau ju" aka. "sleep sleep pig" if you know what I mean) that grandma said to him when trying to get him to sleep. Today when we're trying to get Logan to sleep, Aidan sang a song and said those words again without prompting. So cute! I wish they will continue such great relationship through the rest of their lives.

Logan went for his first well-baby dr. visit last Thursday. We updated the pediatrician on what's going on with him, and of course the pediatrician read Logan's file as well. The ped noticed Logan has a very arch-y upper palate in his mouth and wondered if that's why he's not eating well because the nipple that he uses doesn't fit him right. He said he might refer him to see a specialist to determine if it's a cleft palate, and would also refer him to see a nutritionist as well if that's the case. He gave us two bottles that are used for babies with cleft palates to try out. He also mentioned referring Logan to Golden Gate Regional Center! I know oh so well about that agency and kinda freaked out a little. Nothing against GGRC but because I know their services , I hate to feel that my son needs their services. The ped said this is just in case Logan needs any speech therapy or occupational therapy in the future and it's one of the things on his list that he would like to mention. The referral doesn't need to be made now.

I went online to look up some info on cleft palates. It's treatable with surgery but I wish that's not the case. Who wants to put their baby through surgery if avoidable? We've tried to use those new bottles but they are too slow for Logan. I read that most parents need to made the nipple hole a little bigger. We have yet to do that as we don't know what's the best and most sanitary way to do so. The opening is a "X" so we couldn't just poke the hole bigger. Might need to get a special knife to do that.

Feeding is still a challenge as Logan can't take the whole bottle without using the tube. Throughout the day, there might be 2 feedings where he could take all 80ml in by himself in 30 mins. I wish this would change soon.

"I'm HOOOOOOME!!", says Logan

It's been so busy since Logan came home that I didn't have the time to blog about his homecoming. The whole experience went smoothly. We got to the hospital by 9 a.m., beating rush hour traffic, to get Logan discharged. Got all the forms filled out, instructions and appointments ready. He looked so cute out of his hospital onesie when he was sitting patiently waiting to go home in the car seat. The minor annoyance was to carry the forever-alarming apnea monitor and the portable oxygen with us.

Our main concern when he came home was Aidan because we didn't know how he would react. The night before, I wrapped his big brother present ( a roaring and walking dinosaur) from Logan, hoping he would get a good first impression of his little brother. When Aidan came home from daycare, he came into Logan's room (formerly his) and gently pat him on the legs. That was so cute. We didn't even asked him to do that. He reacted very positively to Logan, probably thinking he's rather cute, for now. We told him to kiss Logan, which he did, sort of. He enjoyed hanging out in the room being in Logan's presence, while us adults trying to avoid him from touching this button and that button from the equipment and the space heater. He didn't feel possessive of his rocker chair as Logan is the primary user of it now. I constantly praise him for being gentle to Logan, for sharing and being such a good big brother and mommy's good helper. Let's hope this relationship will continue after this great start.

As mentioned earlier about the annoying, forever-alarming apnea monitor during the trial night at the hospital, things haven't gone better. It still kept on beeping and we just turned it off. We had the respiratory therapist from Apria to come take a look at it and change the settings, but of course right after she left, the alarm continued. We just turned that darn machine off and watch Logan around-the-look with one adult each time taking turns. The machine was changed to another one as I called Apria again to complain. The same therapist came out, but it didn't really change much. There are still many false alarms, just a little less than the previous one. I am hoping we don't need this machine soon.

The other issue with Logan is his nipple confusion (I guess). He's been using the hospital disposable nipple for a whole month and I really need to get him used to another brand. As much as I wanted to continue using the ones we have gotten from the hospital, this is not a long-term solution as they are supposed to be disposable ones. He took these latex ones very well but was not as successful with the silicone Avent ones. I went to Target to see if they have other brands with the latex nipples and only the Playtex drop-in bottles use them. Darn! Drop-ins are hard to wash and I really didn't want to use them. I bought a pack of cheap Gerber ones and hope he might like them. So far, no luck with Avent and we had to tube feed him half of the milk.

* You can click on the pictures to view a larger version.
* Picture 1 = Logan in his carseat at the hospital, all ready to get out of there.
2 = Aidan, Logan and Daddy
3 = Aidan saying Hello to Logan
4 = Aidan opening up the present that Logan got for his big brother
5 = Aidan thanking Logan for the present

A Date With Logan = A sleepless Night

I spent the night at the hospital with Logan last night, recommended by the nurses at the nursery. They think that it's a good idea to get a taste of what it would be like when he goes on. They also think that by not doing it the night before he gets discharged would give me some energy to actually function on the day of his discharge. Another reason to stay for the night was to test out the apnea monitor that was delivered to the hospital. And boy, am I glad that I tested it out.

The night started out with moving Logan from the main nursery floor to the parent room, so we could actually stay in the same room. I then tried to hook up the apnea monitor. No problems with plugging in the wires here and there. But when it came to actually wrapping the belt around Logan's chest, it wasn't that easy. It seemed like the velcro wasn't working very well and because I was worried that the monitor wasn't working properly, Logan continued to have the leads to the monitor of the hospital. At first, the apnea monitor seemed to be able to detect his heart beat and breathing, and I could see both indicator lights blinking. But then, the horrible high pitch screeching sound started. After I silenced it, it kept on screeching again. I was worried for Logan's ears sake and also worried about disturbing other babies outside in the nursery. I had to take the speaker portion of it to minimize the noise. I kept pressing the silencing button but it didn't work. I couldn't take it anymore and just turn the whole thing off. Hopefully, we would have better luck tomorrow on the day of the discharge and other nurses and Respiratory therapists would be able t help.

So basically, last night I spent all night changing diapers (Logan had two explosions and peed on me), feeding him medication, feeding him with the bottle and the feeding tube, pumping and lastly, trying to sneak in a nap or two. The feeding took the longest as I really wanted Logan to try to take the bottle instead of relying on the feeding tube. But after trying to feed him his 80ml in an hour, I had to resort to using the tube. Since Logan is on a feeding-every-3-hours schedule, it didn't leave me much time to sleep. I think I might have napped for two 30-minute sessions in between two feedings and pumping.

I then realized that I shouldn't have forced Logan to nipple so much milk. He should only go for 30 mins, and if he couldn't finish his bottle, use the tube. The nurse told me if I had waited for an hour, it's like Logan was running a marathon. He would have used up too much energy to eat and thus, might result in weight loss. He did lose 35g the previous day and that is a concern. His weight is currently at 10% and he should be taking between 60-120ml as a term baby.

I also spent the day learning how to put the feeding tube into his nose, which wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. Also spent the morning getting information on his medication, contacting the discharge nurse to assist with the apnea monitor, the oxygen delivery, getting supplies.. etc.. etc..

Actually, Hank and I just got back from the hospital again to bring the carseat to the hospital for the carseat test. The test is mainly done on preemies but since Logan has neck and breathing issues, they want to make sure he is able to breathe while being in a carseat. His vitals were being monitored while he's in the carseat for an hour. He passed the test with flying colors, we did need to put a neck roll to supprt his neck. The neck support that I bought on Amazon has not arrived yet. Grrr....

At home, we also set-up everything for his homecoming tomorrow. We moved Aidan's crib to our room and gated Aidan's previous room since there's a big oxygen tank in there now and knowing Aidan, he would be messing with it. For now, Aidan seemed to be happy that he got to sleep in our room and our bed. He's been coming into our room every night anyways, so hopefully this arrangement would satisfy both kids.

So, tomorrow is the day! This whole experience has both been frustrating and worrisome. Now we're moving into another scary phase with no doctors and nurses around (except a visiting Home Health Care nurse). This is going to be a big transition for everyone.

Tuesday, Dec 16 is the day!

I've been sick the last few days and was unable to hold Logan. I am feeling a little better today and I am going to give it another day to get better. When I go to see Logan on Saturday, I am going to hold him again. Yesterday and today, I could only see him from a far, maybe touch his head or tickle his toes a little. My parents have been staying with him and feeding him, while I hung out in the waiting area.

Logan has been steadily gaining weight. Gained 2 oz on Tuesdays and another 15 grams yesterday. He's at 7 lbs 11 oz now. He still has to rely on the feeding tube a couple feedings a day. He's still taking his sweet time during his feedings, but at least he's gaining weight. He's still not as alert and has low muscle tone, compared to other full-term babies. Doctors might want to do more tests to find out why. Maybe some very rare illness? I don't know. I just want him to get better and I don't even care what causes all this anymore. After being discharged, he already had appointments set-up with his pediatrician, pulmonologist and neurologist.

Yesterday I met with the Patient Care coordinator to finalize some details on the equipment that we're renting and will be bringing home. The apnea monitor and oxygen rental will cost us $77/month, the tubing and syringes will cost us $60/month. Can you imagine how much that will be if we don't have insurance? Hopefully, we only need the equipment for a month or two and then Logan can get all better! Apria will deliver the apnea monitor and the portable oxygen to the hospital tomorrow so that we get a few days to learn how to use it. Then they will deliver the stationary oxygen to our house on Monday before Logan's return on Tuesday. I am not has shakened as a few days ago after learning Logan has to come home with all these things. With me not spending time with Logan because of my illness, I can actually focus on the logistics of what need to be prepared before Tuesday.

I've been making different phone calls (register for Infant CPR class, double-check on insurance info), window-shopping for a crib, more Amazon shopping (gotta love online shopping with free 2-day shipping), figuring out where Aidan and Logan will sleep, and preparing Aidan for his little brother. Yesterday I finally had a little chat with Aidan about his little brother. Today, I showed him pictures of Logan. I don't think he quite understand there will be a baby soon moving into his room and sharing his parents' love and attention. I have a feeling he'll be indifferent to the baby, until bedtime when he wants me to sleep with him and not hold the baby.

Countdown to December 16 has started. December 16 is also when Logan turns one month old. I can't believe he would have spent the first month of his live at ICU.

Can't see Logan today because Mommy is sick

I caught a cold and because Aidan is not going to daycare today, I didn't see Logan. This is the first day since his birth that I haven't seen or touched him. It's sad but it's for the better. I don't want to get Logan sick esp. when he has trouble breathing, and I don't want to get all the babies and staff sick either.

I called the nursery to let the nurse know that I am sick and I won't be coming in. She told me that Logan has gained 2 ounces! Because of the change in feeding, he has gained weight. There were feedings when he didn't need the tube, but there were a few when he didn't take in all the milk and needed the tube. Either way, gaining weight is a good day. Maybe in a few days he would be eating so well and gaining weight that he won't need the feeding tube when he comes home. The nurse also checked in with the doctor that my parents could come in to see Logan when I am sick for the next few days (usually a parent has to be present). The doctor was supposed to call me to give me updates on Logan since I couldn't make it to the hospital today. Well, didn't get a call from him. In a way, that means there isn't any bad news. On the other hand, I got a call from a surgeon who wanted to check-in to see if we have decided whether to proceed with the gastrotomy. I told her that for the time being, we prefer the feeding tube as every surgery comes with risks and we just couldn't see our little baby having a surgery so soon. I did get some more info on the procedure and told her if needed in the future, we might reconsider. At this point, I am hoping Logan won't need the feeding tube for a very long time (and hopefully not at all).

Is Logan REALLY ready to go home?

According to the doctors, he seemed ready, with a few conditions: a feeding tube and oxygen tank. We have previously expressed our concern and reservations with Logan coming home with the cannula and oxygen tank. However, during today's rounds, the doctors think that Logan might be ready to go home, because at this point, what the hospital can do for us, we could do that at home with some extra equipment. They think that it's best for Logan to stay home with his parents, than to stay in the hospital. I understand it's better to be away from the hospital where it's easy to catch viruses and infections, but I couldn't help to think they just want to kick us out and give the spot to another baby.

Logan gained 5g today, but he's still not quite back up at his birth weight. He's already 3 weeks old, and for a term baby, he should have gained a pound already. Feeding is still an issue and without proper nutrition and gaining weight, he couldn't get stronger and build stronger muscles to help with the breathing. He eats between 45 ml to 85 ml of milk each day. However, he should be eating 60-90 ml consistently. Therefore, the doctors think that Logan should have a feeding tube put through his nose directly to his stomach to assist with feeding. We will continue to feed him, but whatever left and he doesn't take, it would be fed directly to his stomach through the feeding tube. I wasn't very excited about this because I secretly believe he could gain weight if given a few more days, as he's been on and off IV for a few times since birth. However, I also understand the importance of him gaining weight, esp. when he's also taking fortified milk with extra calories, yet weight gain is still a problem. If Logan were to go home, he would continue to need this feeding tube. Another option is to have this surgery called gastrotomy. We prefer avoiding any surgery if possible. The doctor said the surgery only takes about an hour and if he doesn't need the tube anymore, the incision will heal in a week. It's easier to do night time feeding with the surgery as you can set the machine to feed Logan (like setting a timer) and I wouldn't have to wake up. However, a surgery is a surgery. Who would want their baby to have a surgery this young if you can avoid it.

Aside from the feeding tube or gastrotomy, Logan would need the extra oxygen if he were to come home. He continues to need help with it and might need it for a few months. I guess there will be an oxygen tank at home for him with monitors, and a portable one for him to go out. I have no idea how big and how these things will work, but there will be specialists teaching us what to do.

We still don't know when Logan would be home. But from today's conversation, the doctors want us to take a few days to think about whether to keep the feeding tube or have the surgery. So I guess maybe Logan would be home next week. He will definitely be home for Christmas, though it's not how we have pictured his homecoming. There are so many other logistics to take care of and also how Aidan would react to a new baby who needs constant special attention from us, and all the machines that come with the baby.

(The picture is of Logan with his cannula for breathing, and a feeding tube through one of his nostrils.)

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With Aidan, we continued to decorate our Christmas tree. He is still very excited to see all the lights. Overall, he was being a very good helper and helping me in putting out the ornaments on the tree. Of course, we have to break a couple ornaments when Aidan didn't hang them up correctly and they fell on the floor. Most of the time, I only let him handle the shatter-free ornaments.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Backward...

Logan's numbers were not as good as yesterday. His oxygen level was back up to the 30s, and at feeding, it had to be at 40. The 4 hours Hank and I spent with him, he desat quite a few times. It was difficult to find that perfect position to hold his head. Actually, I don't know if there's actually a perfect position anymore. It really felt that 2 days ago, we made such good progress but yesterday and today, we went two steps backward.

I was optimistic that Logan could be home for Christmas, now I am not so sure. Maybe I shouldn't "push" him too much and he should take as much time as he needs. By the time he gets home, I think we would be so paranoid that we'll be watching him like a hawk, since there won't be any monitors beeping to alert us.

We're actually rethinking the idea of him sleeping in the bassinet of the playpen. At first we thought we don't really need to buy a crib yet. We were hoping to move and maybe lucky enough to buy a house some time this year. Then when we move, we can get the kids both new beds. But with Logan needed to sleep slightly upright, and with the Angel Care Movement Monitor that a friend so kindly lent us, it might be better to get a crib than a flimsy bassinet.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.


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We took Aidan to gym class today and he did pretty well. At least with some coercing, he actually participated and not just run around like a monkey. We also went to grandma's Community Holiday party and had some free food. Aidan ate so much I was afraid his stomach would explode. Of course with my mom kept on feeding him, it didn't help. Aidan loves spaghetti with tomato sauce, and let's not forget the ice cream cake. Yummy!

I promised Aidan today that we're going to set up the Christmas tree when I came home (from the hospital). However, we stayed a little longer than expected, so we're unable to decorate the tree. We did assemble the new tree and turned on the lights. I guess I am glad I bought a prelit tree so that even without all the decorations, the tree was still nice to look at. Aidan was really excited when he saw all the lights. Unfortunately, we had to restrict him from touching the tree. Thanks to the warning on the box that the plastic could expose you to lead! Let's see how we could control him from touching the tree for the rest of the holiday season. We had to turn off the lights of the tree early tonight because Aidan was misbehaving. He's been so spoiled these days ever since grandparents are here.

Booger!!!

Logan made it with the lowering of his oxygen level last night. I was worried that they had to increase it back to 2 L just like last week. But when Hank and I arrived at the hospital this morning, it was still at 1 L and 25%. That's great news! He was between 25-30% yesterday, much improved!

There were a couple minor scary episodes today when the monitor showed that his oxygen level was down to the 60s and 70s. I was frustrated as he was making such good progress, and then it dipped back down 2-3 times within an hour while we were with him. The nurse assured us that his face wasn't as dusky-looking, which was good. However, he was doing so well the last couple days that I was a little upset.

Then after I got back from pumping, Hank and the nurse showed me the HUGE booger that they sucked out of Logan's nose. No wonder he couldn't breathe! Once they suck that booger out, his oxygen level went back up to 98%-100%. If his level continues to stay up for the rest of the day without any major desats, then it's the booger!! This also means that we need to make sure his nose is clear at all times, and to make sure he doesn't get a cold. A minor issue to us, could be major to him.

Gotta eat more, Logan!

Aidan continues to get better each day, slowly but steadily. He's lost another 80g, but it's Ok since he's been on IV and off IV a few times within the last 2.5 weeks. Hopefully he won't need the IV fluid (ever again!) and can get back into the habit of feeding. It never occurs to me that eating, breathing and swallowing is such hard work.

His oxygen level continues to be at the 30-35% level. At rounds, we discussed that it might be possible to slowly decrease Logan's oxygen assistance. Dr. K thinks that aside from Logan having one of his episodes, he basically doesn't require the extra help. In the end, he was reduced to 1 liter instead of 2 liters, and continues to monitor between 25-35%. The doctors tried to reduce it to 1 liter a week or ago, but in the end, they had to increase it back. Let's see if it'll be successful this time around.

He's already started his acid reflux medication, Reglan and Ronitidine. The doctor said he has to be on these meds for a few months. After that, we will need to consult the Pediatric Pulmonologist again to see if we need to do another bronchoscopy.

I did notice Logan being awake more and more, and eating better. A week or so ago, I would have to position his head a certain way, then stare at the monitor to make sure his oxygen level was ok, then stay at that position. At that time, moving his head could cause problems. At one point, his head had to be slightly tilted up. But lately, he could sleep in a neutral position. Today when we got there, I didn't have to specifically position his head a certain way.

As always, whether Logan can go home depends on him. All we could do is to make sure he eats, pees, poops and gains weight. Before I left the hospital today, we fed him 85 ml! He usually only eats between 45-60 ml, so if he keeps that up, he can gain back the weight he has lost the last few days.

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On the other hand, I went to Target and bought a Christmas tree. I am puzzled as to why all artificial Christmas tress are pre-lit these days. I just want a simple one with nothing fancy, that would stay up and won't fall apart. Unfortunately, I gave in and bought a pre-lit one because the price is right, and the other unlit one isn't very stable. I am afraid Aidan would just go and pull the whole tree down.

We'll probably put up the Christmas tree this weekend. Aidan really loves all the lights. I can sense that Logan would love them just as much, if only he can be home for Christmas to see them.

Is the mystery solved?

Yesterday, Logan had a bronchoscopy. This was like one of the final tests that could be done to figure out what happened to him. The procedure was supposed to look into his airway, windpipe all the way down to his lungs to see if everything was fine. It's always been suspected that his muscle tone around his neck was floppy and maybe this could give us more information about why he's not taking in enough oxygen.

The procedure was supposed to happen at 11 a.m. but when I got to the hospital, the nurse told me the people got there early and had some problem with the tube being the wrong size. This was supposed to be a bedside procedure which only needed 5-10 minutes. During rounds in the morning (where all doctors and nurses sat together to discuss each case and parents are welcome), the doctor told me the procedure would happen at 3 p.m. They had to wait for this Pediatric Pulmonologist to finish up a procedure at 3 p.m. and then immediately work on Logan. If we missed this day, the doctor won't be available for another 2 weeks, or Logan would have to be transported to Oakland or Santa Clara.

We waitied for the pulmonologist to come and she didn't arrive until 4 p.m. Logan had to be transported to another floor to get this procedure done. The doctor explained that she would numb Logan's nose, then put a fiber optic tube down his nose to look all the way down to his lungs for observation. The procedure should take about 5-10 minutes. After signing the consent form, I waited back on the 3 rd floor at the waiting room with my parents for the doctor. The doctor didn't come down until 5:15 p.m.

The Pediatric Pulmonologist and the Nursery Pediatrician both explained to me and Hank (who's on speaker phone at work) about the findings. It seems like Logan has very floppy trachea and larynx, and his airway was narrow. They also saw some redness down on the right side of the bronchial tubes. They suspected that this might be due to acid reflux, which could be easily treated with medication. However, the floppiness and the airway would be a different story. We could either wait for Logan to get stronger and build stronger muscles to assist with the opening of the airway, or have a tracheostomy, which is a surgery that the doctors do not currently recommend. Logan's vocal cords seem to be fine anatomically, but sometimes they would either close or open for longer than they should. The doctor said that during the procedure when Logan was really upset, his vocal cords were close, thus he has his silent cries. The doctors were not sure the cause of the floppiness of his trachea and larynx and this is really frustrating. However, at least we finally found out something about Logan after the myriads of tests that were done on him. The Pulmonologist also reommended a test to look into Logan's GI tract to make sure everything was fine. This was a simple test where he had to drink some dye mixed into his bottle, and then get an x-ray to see where the dye went. He had this test done today and everything looked fine.

When heard about all this information, we couldn't really think of a lot of questions to ask. It was late and I was tired. Some of this information I didn't remember and couldn't understand it all. When I went to rounds today, I brought my notepad and wrote down everything (thus I was able to write what I have just written).

At this point, we will have to wait and see if Logan can get better by himself. All we could do is to feed him and make sure he gets stronger. We definitely do not want to bring him home with oxygen support, but keeping him in the hospital for months might not be the best solution either. Today, hiss oxygen level was between 25-35%, definitely better than the last two weeks. But was he able to go all the way down to 21% or with no support at all anytime soon?

Let's pray that Logan can get stronger and better soon. We would love to have him home for Christmas.

The scariest moment of our lives...

The stay at CCN and ICN did not end as expected. Logan was supposed to be discharged on Tuesday, November 18, 2008, after his culture results came back fine. However, because he was sleepy and not feeding well the whole time he was at CCN, the doctors decided to keep him longer for monitoring.

On this very day, he had an episode. An episode so scary that we would never forget and thank god it happened at the hospital and not when he was discharged and went home already. After coming back from lunch, we saw the nurses working on Logan, trying to resuscitate him as he stopped breathing for a minute. I could see his purple face and body, so lifeless. It was the most horrible thing a mother could witness, or anyone. I was balling, couldn't stop crying for the whole time. All the doctors and nurses rushed in and thank goodness they were able to revive him. After that episode, he was given a cannula for oxygen and his oxygen level has been monitored ever since. A series of blood tests had to be done to try to find out what happened. For the next two weeks, more and more blood tests were done, chest x-rays, genetic blood tests, head scans, MRI, etc. He's been poked so many times that I couldn't bear to look at all the needles. I had to excuse myself every time they poked him or put an IV in him (in his hand, foot, head, and back to hand again). Fortunately, or unfortunately, all the results came back negative and nothing was wrong with Logan. No one knew for sure why Logan couldn't take in enough oxygen.

I found out that normal oxygen in the air is about 21%, and Logan needed extra support of oxygen at 50-60% for the first week of his life. His second week, the oxygen level has decreased to 30-40% and he's eating better and gaining a little more weight. He would not be able to leave the hospital unless he could be off the cannula or extra oxygen support for at least 7 days. His muscle tone seemed to be on the low side, compared to other full-term baby.

Logan is in the nursery with all the other preemies, and I really don't know why he's there. He's full-term, no complications during pregnancy, labor or delivery. Yet, he's not eating well, always sleepy, and add on to that, not enough oxygen.

Aidan has never met Logan, and we never mentioned him to Aidan. Eventually, we would take Aidan to the hospital, however, we wanted to make sure Logan is getting better and he's off his cannula. Everyday when I go to the hospital to spend time with Logan, Aidan would think that I am going to work. Aidan is doing part-time daycare, and part-time stay home with my parents. Grandparents would visit Logan at the hospital once or twice a week.

When I'm at the hospital, I try to feed him and hold him, and to pump as much breast milk as possible. I realized that my supply is low, partly because Logan has never mastered breastfeeding and he's not on my breast to help stimulate milk. Just the thought of breastfeeding stresses me out. I really wanted to breastfeed Logan when he was first born, but he was too tired and sleepy to suck anything. I even had a lactation consultant to work with me, but we couldn't wake him up. Now Logan is more awake and I am scared to try. I'll just religiously pump every 3 hours, day and night, though I have to admit, I slacked off at night sometimes and overslept.

Logan's Birth Story - November 16, 2008

It took me a long time to write Aidan's birth story. As so much has happened with Logan, I don't want to forget the details of his birth. Let's see if I can still remember or my mommy brain is malfunctioning.

I started feeling minor contractions the night/early morning of November 16, 2008. I knew the baby would be born that day as I had similar contractions with Aidan. The contractions were not close enough, nor were they very painful. They started coming closer and stronger when I got up in the morning (not that I had a whole lot of sleep that night). I didn't feel nervous or worried, as I were a few days before Logan's birth.

At around 7:30 a.m. or so, I felt that I should probably call Kaiser's advise nurse to see when's a good time to go to the hospital. At that time, my contractions were 5-7 minutes apart and lasted between 45 secs and a minute. When I called, the Labor and Delivery advise nurse suggested me to go in immediately as this is my second child and the delivery usually happened fast. I started getting ready, said goodbye to Aidan as I wouldn't be able to see him for a few days. He was totally fine as my parents were here to keep him company.

Hank and I went to the hospital and arrived at the waiting room at around 8:30 a.m. We waited for almost half an hour before someone came to lead me in the room. The contractions were getting frequent, but they were tolerable. Just like last time, I didn't scream or yell. I just did my deep breathing and held everything in. I checked into LDR4, changed my clothes and was admitted to the hospital. Leads were put on me to monitor my vitals and the contractions. I laid in bed, answered questions, signed forms, got my blood pressure checked, etc. My blood pressure as always was on the high side.

This experience was a little different than the last.
1) took 3 tries to put the IV in me and it was painful and uncomfortable throughout the rest of the duration, last time, no discomfort.
2) I was already 4 cm dilated when I got to the hospital, and quickly got to 6-7 cm in a matter of hours.
3) I could actually felt water coming out of me when the doctor broke my water.
4) Epidural was given when my contraction was gone. Last time, it was given while I had the contractions, thus, I couldn't feel how uncomfortable it was. It was PAINFUL getting epidural!! Besides, I delivered Logan only a couple hours after the epidural, last time it took a while before Aidan was born.
5) I felt very uncomfortable after I got my epidural. Last time, it was a breeze and I couldn't feel anything. This time, I felt tightening of my chest, and it turned out my blood pressure dropped dramatically. The epidural and my blood pressure had to be monitored a little more closely.
6) Hitting the epidural button this time didn't make a difference.
7) I could still feel my contractions (not in a very painful way, but the pressure of it), before and during labor.
8) I could feel the baby coming out and I had to call the nurse immediately as I actually had the urge to push the baby out.
9) Only took 20 minutes to push Logan out, which with Aidan, it took me 2 hours.
10) I was able to hold Logan immediately after his birth and see how purple and wrinkly he was. With Aidan, because he was stuck in me for 2 hours, he was taken to the pediatrician right away instead of to me.
11) I was able to move around after giving birth. I didn't feel sore or very uncomfortable.

However, just like with Aidan, holding the baby is the most amazing feeling in the world.

We happily took pictures and enjoyed this beautiful baby for a while until the nurse realized his temperature was a little low. The pediatrician was called and because he also found some mysterious rashes on Logan's body, he suggested to have Logan be kept at the Intensive Care Nursery (ICN) for monitoring in case the rashes were caused by an infection. Of course we're worried and weren't thrilled to hear such suggestion, but to be on the safe side, it had to be done.

Hank followed the nurse and pediatrician, and took Logan to the ICN while I waited for the nurse to clean me up and take me to my maternity room. Hank then came to look for me and took me to the ICN to see Logan. He was put on IV fluid, blood work was done for live cultures to see if any bacteria would grow. He was then transferred to the Continuing Care Nursery (CCN) for the next few days.

For the remainder of the stay, I went back and forth from my room to the nursery to see Logan. I didn't really have a lot of rest as I tried to pump every 3 hours to get the colostrum and milk going, and of course I was worried about Logan as well. Hank went home and didn't stay with me as we still had Aidan to take care of. We didn't want both parents to be gone and since it's not my first stay, I felt comfortable enough to be at the hospital by myself. This marked the first day of Logan's life.

Big Boy Bed!

We finally converted DanDan's crib to a toddler bed last Sunday. He's been doing great, so proud of his new bed. He actually hasn't climbed out of it yet, but since he turned 2.5 years old yesterday, I figured it's time for the change. He did amazingly well! His first nap on Sunday took a little longer for him to fall asleep. I did notice he got out of bed to get a toy car, but he went straight back to bed. Other than that, he did not get out of his bed at all. What a relief! I was prepared to get up in the middle of the night because he would be either crying, playing, or coming out of his room. Let's hope this will continue to be a smooth transition.

Dan Dan had his well-baby (boy) check-up yesterday. He's 32lbs and 36 inches tall. Pretty good numbers. He really has a good memory now. I think he remembered going to the doctor's and resisted to go, even the entrance of the building. He must have remembered the poking and scary equipments. He first resisted going in, then wanted to go straight to press the buttons of the elevator without letting me checking him in at the receptionist first. Since I was the only one there and Hank had to work, it was quite a struggle. He was fine once we got up as there were toys for him to play with. He had his first taste of a play kitchen, opening and closing the microwave and stove doors. When his name was called, he again resisted going in and started crying and wanting me to carry him when the doctor arrived. The doctor was so nice but I bet he remember all doctor's visits usually ended in the injection room. He didn't have any vaccination this time, but did have to take a TB test. Of course, he cried again, but only for a few seconds. He happily picked out his 2nd sticker of the day afterwards, and happily played with the play kitchen afterwards.

Hopefully, he doesn't have to see any doctor for the next 12 months until his next well-baby checkup.

Oh No! vs. Awww....

When I picked Dan Dan up at day care Wednesday, Mrs K. told me he was "H-I-T-T-I-N-G" another kid. Oh my gosh! Is he at that Terrible 2 stage already? I was surprised because he has always loved playing with this other one-year-old cute baby girl. Apparently, he pushed the girl on the head and grabbed her toy. This is the first time I heard it from day care. He's shown frustration by hitting the table or the floor before. I've seen him trying to get another kid to not touch the horsie that he was on at Tanforan, but nothing at day care. I tried to tell him it's not OK to hit and the baby would be in pain. I am not sure how much he understands. I guess more episodes of that will happen in the near future.

On the other hand, when we picked him up yesterday, he greeted me at the door as always, calling me "Mommy! Mommy!". Then he went over to the cubbies and brought out a sheet of paper for me (all by himself without being prompted by Mrs. K). He showed me a painting that he did! His first from school! Of course, since he's only 2, he just scribbled on the sheet, but the fact that he went over and got it for me, showed how proud he is of himself.

I told Daddy that I've been reading how other mothers save kids artwork in pizza boxes or containers. I think what I am going to do is to start scanning them and put in the "Aidan's Artwork" folder on my computer. If I feel like it, I might make a photobook out of them. Knowing us, these sheets of paper will just be all over the place and become trash.

New Haircut and Fun!

Finally we took Dan Dan for his "first" professionally haircut. He actually had one when he was in Macau, but he only got a trim. This time, it's a REAL haircut. It's amazing how a haircut can totally change you. I look at him now and he's a BOY instead of a BABY. The haircut makes him look so much older. Aww.. where is my baby?!?!

Dan Dan was very well-behaved during the whole process. Daddy was sitting on another chair getting his haircut, and mommy kept him company. The lady was very nice and patient with him. When I tried to take a picture of him with my camera, of course he had to take my cell phone away from me. At least the phone kept him quiet throughout the duration of the haircut. His haircut took even longer than daddy's!

Look at the Before and After Picture :

We also tried to 'spice' it up a little today with his new hairdo. Daddy put some lotion on his hair to give him a "faux hawk". Mommy definitely thinks Dan Dan is so much more handsome and cool! But is he a little too young to look cool? Hmm...

We took Dan Dan to Tanforan playground today again. I think he's a little bored of that place. He didn't play for long and didn't want to run around or play with other kids. We're worried about his socialization skills with older kids, but he seems to get along real good with younger ones. Daddy and Mommy need to find new places for him instead of going to the same playground over and over again.

Luckily, we found a new spot! Barnes and Nobles! He enjoyed that Thomas train set so much. Mommy took him there last week for the first time and he enjoyed playing with 2-3 other kids. They didn't fight for the toys, as mommys were there to monitor. This time, he was the only kid there and he just spent almost an hour playing without making a fuss. Mommy thought about getting him his first train set, but it's definitely not cheap. The cheaper ones are no fun - just an oval-shaped railway. For now, I think we're good with just playing at B&N.

We're back....

We've been back from our Asia trip for a while. Finally settled back in our regular routine. It took Aidan a while to get over his jetlag so he won't wake up in the middle of the night and wants to play. Daddy was sick the first week back, so Mommy slept in Aidan's room, and took care of him and his jetlag. Then Mommy was sick for a week, and Daddy stayed in Aidan's room. It was a nice change for Mommy because finally I could sleep and don't have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night to attend to Aidan when he cries. Ahh....nice break for once!

Haven't been taking any pictures because we lost our camera at the Taipei airport, inside the Hello Kitty changing room! Grr.... new camera should arrive next week and I could start snapping away.

A little summary of our trip. Aidan had no problem getting along with everyone. Everyone LOVED him!!! He didn't miss Daddy or Mommy at all, and hung out with his grandparents, aunties and uncles. It was a nice break for Daddy and Mommy. When we're at the Macau airport leaving, Aidan was especially clingy to Grandma. I am not sure if he knew that he had to say goodbye or not. He didn't cry at all, but just wanna be held. Poor boy... I bet he missed everyone.

Dan Dan was the healthiest of us all. Daddy and Mommy were sick during most of the trip. Glad he was with Grandma and Grandpa most of the time and didn't get sick. He was also exposed to so many different languages. Now we just need to keep up with that, which we're not doing a very good job.

He had a nice 2nd birthday party. We had a big dinner with relatives. It's nice to spend it just with relatives. He's so spoiled!! Auntie especially got him an Elmo cake! Although the color was not bright red, Dan Dan still recognized Elmo.