Hi Logan,
Mommy had a dream about you last night. It's not really a good dream, because I dreamed of your funeral. It's weird. I remember being at some place like a funeral home, meeting with someone there to estimate the cost of the service. Well, it's some sort of meeting. Then for some reason, your great grand aunt #6 and #7 from Macau and China were there fixing flowers outside. I called them in, and instead of having a meeting with the funeral people, it became your funeral itself. I didn't see any other family member. The only person that was consistent in my dream was this funeral home person, who I have never met. I remember during your funeral service, we were led to this hall, kinda Church-like. But it was sectioned off into three different areas, with three different funeral services going on. A huge one was in the middle, attended by many. A smaller one on the right. We're on the left. I vaguely remember your coffin up there, but I don't remember seeing anyone else, or any faces that I recognize. Your funeral was only attended by me. It was sad. I don't remember the details of the rest of the dream. It's a very weird dream.
I think I had the dream because I finally finalized the design of your marker. Last night, I signed the second proof of it, and e-mailed it to the consultant at Gate of Heaven. It's confirmed, and it'll take up to 12 weeks for it to be completed. Maybe because of that, I had this weird dream of you.
I would have liked to dream of you as a baby in my arms, of me singing to you, or rocking you. But not of the supposedly you in the coffin. I didn't even get to see your face.
There are times when I tried to re-live the days that we had. I ended up always feeling sad, and had to hold back my tears. But I also don't want to forget about the little time that we have spent together. I worry that I will forget those times if I don't constantly remind myself of it. It's a viscious cycle of memory-sadness-memory-sadness.
I've been meaning to write to you about last weekend. We spent time and the night at Uncle Paul and Auntie Rachel's house. Your brother fed the chickens, stalked a kitty cat that didn't like to be stalked, and played miniature golf. We then went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival on Sunday. I plan to write to you in details about everything that happened, but I didn't feel like doing that anymore. Probably because it has been a few days already. Work has been busy, and I've been tired everyday after I get home. Sometimes I want to write to you, but I am too tired and don't want to concentrate to write. It doesn't help when my laptop space bar is not working and I have to actually sit in front of my pc to write. I just usually get online on my laptop these days when I am mindlessly web surfing or facebooking., while watching TV.
Anyway, I miss you so much. Time doesn't seem to make it any better.
Miss you,
Mommy
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
A Hundred Days
Dear Logan,
Last Saturday marked the 100th day of your entry to Heaven. We didn't do anything special for you aside from bringing you some flowers and singing you some songs. Did you like the songs that your brother sang to you? He actually sang you 3 songs! I think he's used to the idea that you're not in the hospital anymore. I told him you're in Heaven now. I remember reading about how to tell children of death, and that we should be concrete and not talk about angels and heaven. But, I am not sure what term I should use to refer to your new place. I don't want to introduce him to the term "cemetery". Instead, I said Heaven, because you ARE in Heaven and the name of the cemetery is Gate of Heaven.
I know Ah Gung and Ah Po had again arranged a mass for you in Macau. I didn't do that here. Instead, I sent a prayer request through St. Joseph's website and wish the kind parishioners would pray for you.
Wow, 100 days already. Sometimes it seems like you're gone for a long time, but sometimes it seems like we were just at the hospital not too long ago. It's weird.
After visiting you, Daddy, Mommy and Big brother went down to Sunnyvale. I'll tell you about our weekend in the next couple letters, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Last Saturday marked the 100th day of your entry to Heaven. We didn't do anything special for you aside from bringing you some flowers and singing you some songs. Did you like the songs that your brother sang to you? He actually sang you 3 songs! I think he's used to the idea that you're not in the hospital anymore. I told him you're in Heaven now. I remember reading about how to tell children of death, and that we should be concrete and not talk about angels and heaven. But, I am not sure what term I should use to refer to your new place. I don't want to introduce him to the term "cemetery". Instead, I said Heaven, because you ARE in Heaven and the name of the cemetery is Gate of Heaven.
I know Ah Gung and Ah Po had again arranged a mass for you in Macau. I didn't do that here. Instead, I sent a prayer request through St. Joseph's website and wish the kind parishioners would pray for you.
Wow, 100 days already. Sometimes it seems like you're gone for a long time, but sometimes it seems like we were just at the hospital not too long ago. It's weird.
After visiting you, Daddy, Mommy and Big brother went down to Sunnyvale. I'll tell you about our weekend in the next couple letters, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
First proof of the "door"
Hi Honey,
Mommy got a call and email from Denise of Gate of Heaven. She e-mailed me the proof of your "door". Looking at it, I think we're going to make some changes. We will reduce the size of your last name to be the same size as your name, but all in capital letters. Then I think we will change the dates from "11/16/08-4/15/09" to "Nov 16, 2008 - Apr 15, 2009". The dates might be a little smaller, but I think it'll look nicer than just all numbers. I thought about moving the cross from the top left corner to the top right corner (before seeing it). But now that I am looking at it, spatial wise, I think it looks better on the left.
I am not sure if I'll be completely satisfied after all these changes, and I might want to change something again. After all, I need to see it first. This is something important and I want to make sure we are doing it right. Everything has to be perfect.
I'll keep you posted, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Mommy got a call and email from Denise of Gate of Heaven. She e-mailed me the proof of your "door". Looking at it, I think we're going to make some changes. We will reduce the size of your last name to be the same size as your name, but all in capital letters. Then I think we will change the dates from "11/16/08-4/15/09" to "Nov 16, 2008 - Apr 15, 2009". The dates might be a little smaller, but I think it'll look nicer than just all numbers. I thought about moving the cross from the top left corner to the top right corner (before seeing it). But now that I am looking at it, spatial wise, I think it looks better on the left.
I am not sure if I'll be completely satisfied after all these changes, and I might want to change something again. After all, I need to see it first. This is something important and I want to make sure we are doing it right. Everything has to be perfect.
I'll keep you posted, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Sunday, July 19, 2009
"Mommy, don't be scared of the Church"
Hello Sweetheart,
Did you like the carnations that we brought you today? The bunch was a little small. Next time I need to get more. Did you like the song that your brother sang to you? He was excited to come see you, and to see the pinwheels at other kids' place. Your brother still associates you with the hospital. I had to remind him that you're not in the hospital anymore. I was glad to see that after he explored the area a little bit, he went back to see you. He didn't just run off without saying goodbye.
After visiting you, we went down to Sunday mass in Cupertino, where you had your funeral mass. This is the first time we came back since April, and your brother still remembers me crying last time. While I was holding his hand and walking towards the church, he said to me, "Mommy, don't cry, ok?" and "Mommy, don't be scared of the Church... you don't need to be scared". He still remembers seeing me crying when I was walking you out after your mass. I told him that I won't cry, and I am not scared anymore. It's amazing how he still remembers little things like this. He didn't say those words to me last week when we went to a different Church.
Aidan was actually very well-behaved. He likes going to this church because of the digital numbers of the hymns. He's excited to wait and see what the next hymn number would be. We thought about sitting in the baby room, away from the main hall. But since it wasn't full when we're there, we chose to sit with everyone else. It helps that there were 2 kids sitting in front of us. Your brother was actually better behaved than them. We'll probably come to this church more often after we move.
We'll come see you again next Saturday. Ah Po reminded me today that next Saturday marks the 100th day of your passing.
Love you,
Mommy
Did you like the carnations that we brought you today? The bunch was a little small. Next time I need to get more. Did you like the song that your brother sang to you? He was excited to come see you, and to see the pinwheels at other kids' place. Your brother still associates you with the hospital. I had to remind him that you're not in the hospital anymore. I was glad to see that after he explored the area a little bit, he went back to see you. He didn't just run off without saying goodbye.
After visiting you, we went down to Sunday mass in Cupertino, where you had your funeral mass. This is the first time we came back since April, and your brother still remembers me crying last time. While I was holding his hand and walking towards the church, he said to me, "Mommy, don't cry, ok?" and "Mommy, don't be scared of the Church... you don't need to be scared". He still remembers seeing me crying when I was walking you out after your mass. I told him that I won't cry, and I am not scared anymore. It's amazing how he still remembers little things like this. He didn't say those words to me last week when we went to a different Church.
Aidan was actually very well-behaved. He likes going to this church because of the digital numbers of the hymns. He's excited to wait and see what the next hymn number would be. We thought about sitting in the baby room, away from the main hall. But since it wasn't full when we're there, we chose to sit with everyone else. It helps that there were 2 kids sitting in front of us. Your brother was actually better behaved than them. We'll probably come to this church more often after we move.
We'll come see you again next Saturday. Ah Po reminded me today that next Saturday marks the 100th day of your passing.
Love you,
Mommy
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Casual Saturday, Simple Fun
Hello Logan,
It was a beautiful day here in South SF today. I looked up the temperature, it's super hot down there in Los Gatos. We had a casual Saturday, after a rather rough start in the morning. We couldn't decide on what to do. Mommy wanted to do something fun, like going to the beach, or a museum or Great America. But Daddy wasn't up for it, mainly because of our finances. We should really cut down on our spending in anticipation of our mortgage payments in the near future. I totally understand that, but on the other hand, I think I was trying to over-compensate, by wanting to give your brother the most fun activities. I guess because your brother will be my only living child, I want to give him the best. Afterall, it was a beautiful day today, and I don't want to be stuck at home. Knowing all of us, we would just end up being in front of the computer, playing the Wii or gameboy.
However, we ended up with a nice, casual itinerary. We went out to our familiar Orange Memorial park for some park/playground fun. We actually brought our Spiderman soccer ball, which Daddy got your brother for Xmas and we never played with it outdoors. It was your brother's first real attempt at playing soccer. I have to say, I am pretty proud of him. He had a lot of fun and he wanted to play some more next time. This would be good exercise for all of us. Then we took a little break and played with some bubbles. You should know by now how much your big brother LOVES blowing bubbles. Did that for a little while, and then it's some simple playground fun.
We stayed at the park for less than an hour, and then we headed to the Farmer's Market by SSF BART station. This is the first time we go to the Farmer's market at this new location. It used to be at Orange Memorial Park. Aidan wasn't very interested at first, because we dragged him away from the park. But once we got there, he couldn't resist the temptation of all the delicious, organic strawberries, nectarines, white, and yellow peaches. They were all very sweet and juicy. We ended up buying 3 small baskets of strawberries for $6, and a few white peaches. We also saw some nice, pink carnations for a pretty cheap price, and we got them for you. We'll bring these lovely flowers to see you tomorrow, ok?
After that, it's lunch time. Your brother wasn't very hungry after all the fruits. He had a most unhealthy lunch: fries and a few pieces of terriyaki chicken, plus apple juice. We hung out at the Tanforan mall for a little while, so that your brother could head to the children's play area. He used to play in there a lot when he was younger. We would go there on a Sunday early morning before the 10 million kids arrive. It's always very busy there, especially on rainy days. Your brother also got to ride some coin-operated car and roller coaster.
We really didn't go anywhere special. All these places are just our usual hang out places, but I felt that we had a pretty good day. I guess it really doesn't cost a lot to have fun. I just need to remind myself of that. Besides, your brother is pretty low-maintenance. The simplest of things make him happy. He would be happy blowing bubbles all day long, if he could.
Love you,
Mommy
It was a beautiful day here in South SF today. I looked up the temperature, it's super hot down there in Los Gatos. We had a casual Saturday, after a rather rough start in the morning. We couldn't decide on what to do. Mommy wanted to do something fun, like going to the beach, or a museum or Great America. But Daddy wasn't up for it, mainly because of our finances. We should really cut down on our spending in anticipation of our mortgage payments in the near future. I totally understand that, but on the other hand, I think I was trying to over-compensate, by wanting to give your brother the most fun activities. I guess because your brother will be my only living child, I want to give him the best. Afterall, it was a beautiful day today, and I don't want to be stuck at home. Knowing all of us, we would just end up being in front of the computer, playing the Wii or gameboy.
However, we ended up with a nice, casual itinerary. We went out to our familiar Orange Memorial park for some park/playground fun. We actually brought our Spiderman soccer ball, which Daddy got your brother for Xmas and we never played with it outdoors. It was your brother's first real attempt at playing soccer. I have to say, I am pretty proud of him. He had a lot of fun and he wanted to play some more next time. This would be good exercise for all of us. Then we took a little break and played with some bubbles. You should know by now how much your big brother LOVES blowing bubbles. Did that for a little while, and then it's some simple playground fun.
We stayed at the park for less than an hour, and then we headed to the Farmer's Market by SSF BART station. This is the first time we go to the Farmer's market at this new location. It used to be at Orange Memorial Park. Aidan wasn't very interested at first, because we dragged him away from the park. But once we got there, he couldn't resist the temptation of all the delicious, organic strawberries, nectarines, white, and yellow peaches. They were all very sweet and juicy. We ended up buying 3 small baskets of strawberries for $6, and a few white peaches. We also saw some nice, pink carnations for a pretty cheap price, and we got them for you. We'll bring these lovely flowers to see you tomorrow, ok?
After that, it's lunch time. Your brother wasn't very hungry after all the fruits. He had a most unhealthy lunch: fries and a few pieces of terriyaki chicken, plus apple juice. We hung out at the Tanforan mall for a little while, so that your brother could head to the children's play area. He used to play in there a lot when he was younger. We would go there on a Sunday early morning before the 10 million kids arrive. It's always very busy there, especially on rainy days. Your brother also got to ride some coin-operated car and roller coaster.
We really didn't go anywhere special. All these places are just our usual hang out places, but I felt that we had a pretty good day. I guess it really doesn't cost a lot to have fun. I just need to remind myself of that. Besides, your brother is pretty low-maintenance. The simplest of things make him happy. He would be happy blowing bubbles all day long, if he could.
Love you,
Mommy
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Happy 8 Months Old !
Hello Honey,
You're 8 months old today! Time sure flies. I still remember the day you're born. I went to the hospital and was already a few cm dilated. You're good to Mommy. You knew Mommy didn't have a good time with the epidural this time around, and you came out fast. I still remember you almost came out before the doctor arrived (or at least it felt that way).
If you were here, you should be sitting up pretty well. You might even start crawling a little bit. Your brother was a late crawler. He liked to scoot backwards instead of crawling forward. We would have to child-proof the place for you. I wonder if you're a serious little guy.
When you're young, Mommy always felt that you got your serious gene from Daddy, while your brother got the happy gene from Mommy. But then, it's probably because you have never felt good enough to smile. No wonder you're always so serious. Luckily, Mommy was able to capture some silly faces of yours. One thing I know, you liked to be held, and Mommy should have held you more. I have missed several precious opportunities when I could hold you in the hospital. I was so silly.
I've been posting on Facebook the last few months on the 15th and 16th about you. Maybe I should stop now. It seems depressing to announce and remind everyone of my loss. I'll just tell you how much I miss you here.
Miss you,
Mommy
You're 8 months old today! Time sure flies. I still remember the day you're born. I went to the hospital and was already a few cm dilated. You're good to Mommy. You knew Mommy didn't have a good time with the epidural this time around, and you came out fast. I still remember you almost came out before the doctor arrived (or at least it felt that way).
If you were here, you should be sitting up pretty well. You might even start crawling a little bit. Your brother was a late crawler. He liked to scoot backwards instead of crawling forward. We would have to child-proof the place for you. I wonder if you're a serious little guy.
When you're young, Mommy always felt that you got your serious gene from Daddy, while your brother got the happy gene from Mommy. But then, it's probably because you have never felt good enough to smile. No wonder you're always so serious. Luckily, Mommy was able to capture some silly faces of yours. One thing I know, you liked to be held, and Mommy should have held you more. I have missed several precious opportunities when I could hold you in the hospital. I was so silly.
I've been posting on Facebook the last few months on the 15th and 16th about you. Maybe I should stop now. It seems depressing to announce and remind everyone of my loss. I'll just tell you how much I miss you here.
Miss you,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
It's been 3 months...
Hi Sweetheart,
It's the 15th again. Aside from being payday, it's also the day that you left us. I can't believe it's only 3 months. It feels a lot longer. I still remember very clearly the last 1.5 months that we spent at the hospital. I actually passed by the hospital today. Daddy and Mommy went down to Sunnyvale to check out the progress of our new townhome. It is so close to the hospital, so it is going to be difficult for me when we move down south. We will pass by that hospital all the time, and we'll be going there for all of our doctor's visits.
On a happier note, remember the baby that I wanted you to pray for? He (yes, it's a boy!) was suspected to have Edward's Syndrome. My friend went for the result of the amniocentesis, and thank god, everything's fine! The baby is fine! I am so happy for my friends!! They will make excellent parents.
Tomorrow you would have turned 8 months old. How I wish I could hold you and see your pretty face again.
Love you,
Mommy
It's the 15th again. Aside from being payday, it's also the day that you left us. I can't believe it's only 3 months. It feels a lot longer. I still remember very clearly the last 1.5 months that we spent at the hospital. I actually passed by the hospital today. Daddy and Mommy went down to Sunnyvale to check out the progress of our new townhome. It is so close to the hospital, so it is going to be difficult for me when we move down south. We will pass by that hospital all the time, and we'll be going there for all of our doctor's visits.
On a happier note, remember the baby that I wanted you to pray for? He (yes, it's a boy!) was suspected to have Edward's Syndrome. My friend went for the result of the amniocentesis, and thank god, everything's fine! The baby is fine! I am so happy for my friends!! They will make excellent parents.
Tomorrow you would have turned 8 months old. How I wish I could hold you and see your pretty face again.
Love you,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Missing you
Hi Sweetheart,
Mommy has been thinking about you a lot lately. The first 10 days or so after I got back to work, I was thinking more about work. But for some reason, the last few days, I can't stop thinking about you. Maybe because we just designed your "door", so everything is fresh in my mind again.
You know what, everyday when Mommy goes to work, I pass by several cemeteries when driving through Colma. It never affected me this much. But I wish you're there so that I can stop by to see you, or at least drive by and say "Hello" to you. The cemeteries at Colma are definitely a lot closer to us now than Gate of Heaven. I could see that we could actually have a big tombstone for you there, instead of a small little marker. But once we move down South, Gate of Heaven is closer to us. I guess for the next few months, it'll be far, but once we move, we can come and see you a lot more often. Besides, I think Gate of Heaven looks nicer, with lush green, grassy hills, than the ones at Colma.
You know what, I was talking to an Art Instructor here at work yesterday and I asked him if he could help me photoshop one of your pictures to take out your nasal cannula. He knows Photoshop a lot better than I do, and he said his wife is actually even more proficient at it. So today, I gave him two pictures of you and see if his wife can take out those ugly big stickies on your face, and the nasal cannula. I really want a picture of you with nothing on your face. The one picture that we had, you were probabaly 1.5 months old, and the two that I have selected, you were about 3 months old. That's also two of my favorite pictures of you.
I'll post the pictures up for you to see once they got done, ok?
Miss you,
Mommy
Mommy has been thinking about you a lot lately. The first 10 days or so after I got back to work, I was thinking more about work. But for some reason, the last few days, I can't stop thinking about you. Maybe because we just designed your "door", so everything is fresh in my mind again.
You know what, everyday when Mommy goes to work, I pass by several cemeteries when driving through Colma. It never affected me this much. But I wish you're there so that I can stop by to see you, or at least drive by and say "Hello" to you. The cemeteries at Colma are definitely a lot closer to us now than Gate of Heaven. I could see that we could actually have a big tombstone for you there, instead of a small little marker. But once we move down South, Gate of Heaven is closer to us. I guess for the next few months, it'll be far, but once we move, we can come and see you a lot more often. Besides, I think Gate of Heaven looks nicer, with lush green, grassy hills, than the ones at Colma.
You know what, I was talking to an Art Instructor here at work yesterday and I asked him if he could help me photoshop one of your pictures to take out your nasal cannula. He knows Photoshop a lot better than I do, and he said his wife is actually even more proficient at it. So today, I gave him two pictures of you and see if his wife can take out those ugly big stickies on your face, and the nasal cannula. I really want a picture of you with nothing on your face. The one picture that we had, you were probabaly 1.5 months old, and the two that I have selected, you were about 3 months old. That's also two of my favorite pictures of you.
I'll post the pictures up for you to see once they got done, ok?
Miss you,
Mommy
Saturday, July 11, 2009
We've designed your marker...
Hi Sweetheart,
After waiting for almost 3 months, Daddy and Mommy finally set-up an appointment to design your "door". We went yesterday, and the whole process took less than 30 mins. Daddy already had a design in mind, a little different than what I want. In the end, we went with simplicity. Daddy didn't like Mommy's suggestion of putting "My Beloved Little Lobster" and aimed for something simple, "My Beloved Son". I know my suggestion was a little weird and out of the ordinary, but you're my little lobster. Just want you to be different and special. Oh well... I guess with something that lasts for a long time, we shouldn't use that. We used the Mountain Black stone, which is basically black with some white dots. I believe this color endures the calcium deposits a lot better than the others. We've chosen a picture of an angel boy, sitting with a lamb, plus a cross, all on the left side of your "door". The other words were simple:
Your door is small, so we couldn't fit more words on it, especially we have the other design. We opted to NOT have your picture there. We couldn't find a satisfactory picture of you. I don't want to pick a picture when you're only 2-3 months old, when you're close to 5 months old. But your older pictures were of you in the hospital, and I couldn't pick one of you when you're on the ventilator. Your "door" will just be very simple. I wanted to add words like "Daddy, Mommy and Big Brother will always love you", but I would have to put that on the bottom, towards the edge. Not too visible, so we decided not to do that.
It's going to take another month for us to get the proof back, and then 3 more months to have it completed. The whole process will take about 4 months before you can have your "door". In the meantime, I thought of printing out a sheet of paper with my own design, laminate it and tape it on your temporary door. It looks better than the piece of wood that's there. I saw another baby having something like that.
As you have noticed, they took your pinwheels away. I especially left them there to see if they really clear the area, even if they're not flowers. I tired to place the 3 pinwheels out of the common grass area as possible, but they still took them away. Someone also took away the Yahoo ball that Daddy gave you, only leaving a ring and a rattler there. Grrr....I wonder who took that away. I saw many people put up wind chimes on the branches of a tree close by, maybe I'll do that as well. Unfortunately now that Mommy's back to work, I can't come see you every week to take the pinwheels away, and put them back after mowing days. Gotta figure out another way. I don't want them to keep taking the pinwheels away every week. Maybe I'll just put one there during special holidays, that will last a while.
We'll all come to see you again real soon, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
After waiting for almost 3 months, Daddy and Mommy finally set-up an appointment to design your "door". We went yesterday, and the whole process took less than 30 mins. Daddy already had a design in mind, a little different than what I want. In the end, we went with simplicity. Daddy didn't like Mommy's suggestion of putting "My Beloved Little Lobster" and aimed for something simple, "My Beloved Son". I know my suggestion was a little weird and out of the ordinary, but you're my little lobster. Just want you to be different and special. Oh well... I guess with something that lasts for a long time, we shouldn't use that. We used the Mountain Black stone, which is basically black with some white dots. I believe this color endures the calcium deposits a lot better than the others. We've chosen a picture of an angel boy, sitting with a lamb, plus a cross, all on the left side of your "door". The other words were simple:
My Beloved Son
LOGAN MICHAEL
LEE
11/16/08-4/15/09
LOGAN MICHAEL
LEE
11/16/08-4/15/09
Your door is small, so we couldn't fit more words on it, especially we have the other design. We opted to NOT have your picture there. We couldn't find a satisfactory picture of you. I don't want to pick a picture when you're only 2-3 months old, when you're close to 5 months old. But your older pictures were of you in the hospital, and I couldn't pick one of you when you're on the ventilator. Your "door" will just be very simple. I wanted to add words like "Daddy, Mommy and Big Brother will always love you", but I would have to put that on the bottom, towards the edge. Not too visible, so we decided not to do that.
It's going to take another month for us to get the proof back, and then 3 more months to have it completed. The whole process will take about 4 months before you can have your "door". In the meantime, I thought of printing out a sheet of paper with my own design, laminate it and tape it on your temporary door. It looks better than the piece of wood that's there. I saw another baby having something like that.
As you have noticed, they took your pinwheels away. I especially left them there to see if they really clear the area, even if they're not flowers. I tired to place the 3 pinwheels out of the common grass area as possible, but they still took them away. Someone also took away the Yahoo ball that Daddy gave you, only leaving a ring and a rattler there. Grrr....I wonder who took that away. I saw many people put up wind chimes on the branches of a tree close by, maybe I'll do that as well. Unfortunately now that Mommy's back to work, I can't come see you every week to take the pinwheels away, and put them back after mowing days. Gotta figure out another way. I don't want them to keep taking the pinwheels away every week. Maybe I'll just put one there during special holidays, that will last a while.
We'll all come to see you again real soon, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I know it's been a while...
Dear Logan,
I am so sorry that I haven't written to you the past few days. Mommy was so tired after work each day. It's been a busy first week of work: reading over 40 client files to update myself on what's been going on (not even half way through), meeting with old and new clients, Manager meetings, paperwork, catching up with staff, etc. Each day after I got home from work, I am tired. If I stare at the computer for too long, I started to feel a little dizzy. Probably from too much computer time at work and too much reading. However, I am happy to be back to work. It actually gives me more energy, and I feel more productive. I still have to continue to make people feel uncomfortable by telling them you have left me. This week so far, I've told 2 social workers, 1 client mother, and a few other clients that I don't directly supervise. I am sure it will continue.
Did I tell you that my teeth are very sensitive to heat and cold again? I had that problem when you're in the hospital, but the problem went away when I went back to Macau. But after I got back, the sensitivity came back again. I guess subconsciously being back is stressful, and I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep again.
Our neighbors downstairs moved out. The husband lost his job and they couldn't afford to rent the downstairs apartment anymore. It's sad coz they were good neighbors. They prayed for you when they knew you're sick. New neighbors already moved in. Another Hispanic couple with a two-year, very shy boy. They moved in yesterday and we finally met them today.
On Friday, we'll be meeting with the counselor at Gate of Heaven to finalize your marker. I still don't know what the exact design it's going to be. Do you like angels, bears, or flowers? I'll have to talk to Daddy tomorrow.
So sweetheart, Daddy and Mommy will drop by to see you after the appointment, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
I am so sorry that I haven't written to you the past few days. Mommy was so tired after work each day. It's been a busy first week of work: reading over 40 client files to update myself on what's been going on (not even half way through), meeting with old and new clients, Manager meetings, paperwork, catching up with staff, etc. Each day after I got home from work, I am tired. If I stare at the computer for too long, I started to feel a little dizzy. Probably from too much computer time at work and too much reading. However, I am happy to be back to work. It actually gives me more energy, and I feel more productive. I still have to continue to make people feel uncomfortable by telling them you have left me. This week so far, I've told 2 social workers, 1 client mother, and a few other clients that I don't directly supervise. I am sure it will continue.
Did I tell you that my teeth are very sensitive to heat and cold again? I had that problem when you're in the hospital, but the problem went away when I went back to Macau. But after I got back, the sensitivity came back again. I guess subconsciously being back is stressful, and I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep again.
Our neighbors downstairs moved out. The husband lost his job and they couldn't afford to rent the downstairs apartment anymore. It's sad coz they were good neighbors. They prayed for you when they knew you're sick. New neighbors already moved in. Another Hispanic couple with a two-year, very shy boy. They moved in yesterday and we finally met them today.
On Friday, we'll be meeting with the counselor at Gate of Heaven to finalize your marker. I still don't know what the exact design it's going to be. Do you like angels, bears, or flowers? I'll have to talk to Daddy tomorrow.
So sweetheart, Daddy and Mommy will drop by to see you after the appointment, ok?
Love you,
Mommy
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Drawing blanks...
Hi Honey,
I was going to tell you something, but I forgot what it was. When I was lying in bed earlier, keeping your brother company while waiting for him to fall asleep, I told myself I should tell you this. But now that I am actually in front of my computer and writing, I forgot what that is. This happens to me quiet often. I would have certain "topics" that popped in my head when I was doing meaningless things, but then I would totally forget about them. Since I am not a professional blogger or writer, I don't think I should keep a notepad and write down my thoughts, so that I can have a topic to satisfy my audience, right? Besides, you're my main audience, and I am sure you'll listen to whatever Mommy is babbling about at this very moment. :)
The weather has become a little cooler again. After two weeks of super warm weather, now we're back to some nice 60s. Since Mommy works in Daly City, it's even cooler over there. The long weekend is finally over. Now we'll have to look forward to Labor Day.
Ok, Mommy is getting tired and really can't come up with anything to write. I'll talk to you tomorrow then.
Love you,
Mommy
I was going to tell you something, but I forgot what it was. When I was lying in bed earlier, keeping your brother company while waiting for him to fall asleep, I told myself I should tell you this. But now that I am actually in front of my computer and writing, I forgot what that is. This happens to me quiet often. I would have certain "topics" that popped in my head when I was doing meaningless things, but then I would totally forget about them. Since I am not a professional blogger or writer, I don't think I should keep a notepad and write down my thoughts, so that I can have a topic to satisfy my audience, right? Besides, you're my main audience, and I am sure you'll listen to whatever Mommy is babbling about at this very moment. :)
The weather has become a little cooler again. After two weeks of super warm weather, now we're back to some nice 60s. Since Mommy works in Daly City, it's even cooler over there. The long weekend is finally over. Now we'll have to look forward to Labor Day.
Ok, Mommy is getting tired and really can't come up with anything to write. I'll talk to you tomorrow then.
Love you,
Mommy
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Independence Day!
Dear Logan,
It's July 4th, Independence Day! We spent the day on a playdate with The Cheung's at the San Jose Children's Discovery Museum. It was a fun day, and we spent almost 5 hours there! There were so much to see and to play for your big brother. There were a few clear favorites, such as, the traffic lights, WaterWays section (playing with balls and water), elevator doors and big square blocks at the Curious George area, and more balls at the Wonder Cabinet area. Basically, he played with many balls today! You can check out the pictures to see all the fun that we had.
Mommy initially wanted to take your brother to see some fireworks at night. But we were worried that after a long day at the museum, he would be too tired to stay up late for that. We thought about attending the San Jose Giants game (Minor League Baseball) and then watch the fireworks after the game. But instead, we headed home after the museum, thinking your brother would probably fall asleep in the car. Mommy was wrong. Your brother didn't fall asleep in the car, and he didn't nap after he got home. Because he refused to nap, I didn't let him play the Wii. He ended going to bed at 8 p.m. because he was so tired.
Daddy and Mommy got to spend some quiet time tonight after your brother went to sleep early. While Mommy was watching tv in the living room, I noticed mycomputer screensaver was on in the office. I had pictures of you and your brother as my screensaver. For some reason, I was really sad when I saw your pictures. I don't know why it hit me particularly hard just now, as I've always had your pictures there. Maybe because today is supposed to be a holiday, and I know that I won't be able to celebrate any of them with you. I know Mommy would be particularly sad on Christmas, even though Christmas is my favorite holiday. Last year, you spent Christmas with us, and I was so happy that you were able to come home from the NICU in time. This year, it would just remind me that you're not here. It's going to be hard. Don't worry, Mommy is doing fine. It's just little things sadden me sometimes.
Miss you,
Mommy
It's July 4th, Independence Day! We spent the day on a playdate with The Cheung's at the San Jose Children's Discovery Museum. It was a fun day, and we spent almost 5 hours there! There were so much to see and to play for your big brother. There were a few clear favorites, such as, the traffic lights, WaterWays section (playing with balls and water), elevator doors and big square blocks at the Curious George area, and more balls at the Wonder Cabinet area. Basically, he played with many balls today! You can check out the pictures to see all the fun that we had.
Mommy initially wanted to take your brother to see some fireworks at night. But we were worried that after a long day at the museum, he would be too tired to stay up late for that. We thought about attending the San Jose Giants game (Minor League Baseball) and then watch the fireworks after the game. But instead, we headed home after the museum, thinking your brother would probably fall asleep in the car. Mommy was wrong. Your brother didn't fall asleep in the car, and he didn't nap after he got home. Because he refused to nap, I didn't let him play the Wii. He ended going to bed at 8 p.m. because he was so tired.
Daddy and Mommy got to spend some quiet time tonight after your brother went to sleep early. While Mommy was watching tv in the living room, I noticed mycomputer screensaver was on in the office. I had pictures of you and your brother as my screensaver. For some reason, I was really sad when I saw your pictures. I don't know why it hit me particularly hard just now, as I've always had your pictures there. Maybe because today is supposed to be a holiday, and I know that I won't be able to celebrate any of them with you. I know Mommy would be particularly sad on Christmas, even though Christmas is my favorite holiday. Last year, you spent Christmas with us, and I was so happy that you were able to come home from the NICU in time. This year, it would just remind me that you're not here. It's going to be hard. Don't worry, Mommy is doing fine. It's just little things sadden me sometimes.
Miss you,
Mommy
Friday, July 3, 2009
A Fun Birthday Luau
Dear Logan,
Daddy, Mommy, and big brother attended baby Calvin's 1st Birthday Luau today. It was a lot of fun, especially, with the beautiful warm weather down in Palo Alto. When we first got there, we immediately spotted a bouncy house. I tried to get your brother to go inside, and without much encouragement, he immediately climbed in. I was so surprised! Your brother has never, ever been inside a bouncy house. I've tried many, many times to get him to play in there since he's 2 years old, but he was always scared to try. I am not sure why all of a sudden he became such a fan. He spent most of the day in there jumping up and down!
This was such a kid's party! There were all these different bubble wands, bubble machine, leis and hats for adults and kids to play, beach balls, and balloon animals. It was a fun party, and your brother definitely had a lot of fun. We didn't eat a whole lot at the party, because we went to Ikea for some meatballs right before it. Daddy had promised Aidan that we'd go there on the weekend.
While we're at Ikea, I took the time to show your brother the play area inside. I wasn't sure how much fun it was, but I told him all the fun things that he could be doing inside, IF he was potty-trained. Daddy and Mommy both talked up this place, and when we left, your brother immediately wanted to go to the restroom. Ha! Not sure if that's going to work. But at least when we went home, he was a little less resistant to use the potty. We kept his pull-up, but continued to remind him to use the potty. He initiated once to use the potty at the party, and twice to use the potty in the afternoon at home, and once he actually told me he wanted to poop! Since it's a holiday weekend and we're going out most of the time, we couldn't potty-train him full force. But we'll just continue to motivate him, and bribe him.
Your brother has been playing a lot of Wii lately. Everytime he comes home from school, he would play 20-30 mins of Wii with either Mommy or Daddy before dinner. This has been our routine last week. I bet he knew that and he has been napping at school. He is actually playing a lot better on Tennis and Bowling. I think his record bowling score was higher than mine!
It's been a very tiring day because of the sun. Tomorrow, we'll be meeting with Meli, Auntie Leonor and Uncle Kyle at the Children Discovery Museum. We have opted to stay home and watch the fireworks because it's just too much hassle, and a little too late for your brother to be doing that outdoors. He's still a little scared of the noise, though he likes watching the fireworks. Maybe when he's a little older, then we'll take him out for the real deal.
Enjoy some of the pictures at the Luau party today and Mommy will talk to you soon.
Love you,
Mommy
Daddy, Mommy, and big brother attended baby Calvin's 1st Birthday Luau today. It was a lot of fun, especially, with the beautiful warm weather down in Palo Alto. When we first got there, we immediately spotted a bouncy house. I tried to get your brother to go inside, and without much encouragement, he immediately climbed in. I was so surprised! Your brother has never, ever been inside a bouncy house. I've tried many, many times to get him to play in there since he's 2 years old, but he was always scared to try. I am not sure why all of a sudden he became such a fan. He spent most of the day in there jumping up and down!
This was such a kid's party! There were all these different bubble wands, bubble machine, leis and hats for adults and kids to play, beach balls, and balloon animals. It was a fun party, and your brother definitely had a lot of fun. We didn't eat a whole lot at the party, because we went to Ikea for some meatballs right before it. Daddy had promised Aidan that we'd go there on the weekend.
While we're at Ikea, I took the time to show your brother the play area inside. I wasn't sure how much fun it was, but I told him all the fun things that he could be doing inside, IF he was potty-trained. Daddy and Mommy both talked up this place, and when we left, your brother immediately wanted to go to the restroom. Ha! Not sure if that's going to work. But at least when we went home, he was a little less resistant to use the potty. We kept his pull-up, but continued to remind him to use the potty. He initiated once to use the potty at the party, and twice to use the potty in the afternoon at home, and once he actually told me he wanted to poop! Since it's a holiday weekend and we're going out most of the time, we couldn't potty-train him full force. But we'll just continue to motivate him, and bribe him.
Your brother has been playing a lot of Wii lately. Everytime he comes home from school, he would play 20-30 mins of Wii with either Mommy or Daddy before dinner. This has been our routine last week. I bet he knew that and he has been napping at school. He is actually playing a lot better on Tennis and Bowling. I think his record bowling score was higher than mine!
It's been a very tiring day because of the sun. Tomorrow, we'll be meeting with Meli, Auntie Leonor and Uncle Kyle at the Children Discovery Museum. We have opted to stay home and watch the fireworks because it's just too much hassle, and a little too late for your brother to be doing that outdoors. He's still a little scared of the noise, though he likes watching the fireworks. Maybe when he's a little older, then we'll take him out for the real deal.
Enjoy some of the pictures at the Luau party today and Mommy will talk to you soon.
Love you,
Mommy
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I survived the first day of work...
Hello Logan,
It's such a busy day today. So many things to do at work that I don't even know which task to tackle first. They all seem to be up there on the priority list: setting up meetings, revamping staff's schedules, staff coverage, client issues...etc..etc... But you know what, I had fun! I feel useful again. Everyone at work was very welcoming, co-workers and clients. Most people knew about your passing, but some don't. I think I said "He passed away" twice today. I believe others felt worse than I do when I said that. Today is just all internal communication. The next few days, or weeks or even months, I would have more interaction with other agencies and social workers. They might not know about you, just that I gave birth to you, and I would probably have to say "He passed away" more, and then making THEM feel bad.
I think work is good for me. During idle times, such as, laying in bed waiting for your brother to fall asleep, doing dishes, and even in the shower, I would be thinking about work, instead of your passing. But I still think of you often. Certain things or events brought me back to you. Just like earlier tonight, I was applying some A&D on your big brother, and I immediately recalled how the nurses at the PICU applied thick layers of cream on your butt when you had diarrhea due to the antibiotics. Of course, whenever I see a baby, or baby product, I thought of you. When I go into your empty bedroom, especially now that we have given your playpen away, I feel empty inside. There are still a lot of your stuff in your room, but somehow it still feels empty because the big oxygen tank isn't there, the playpen isn't there, the rocker is hidden somewhere, and most importantly you're not there.
I also broke the news to Ah Po and Auntie Mena today. Ah Po called me earlier today and I told her about the blood test result, and tried to explain that in Chinese as much as I could. I actually just Skyped with Auntie Mena and told her about the news as well. I sent her a copy of my blood test result, so that she could show the doctors in Macau which DNA to test for. I also sent her the only Chinese link I could find on Leigh's Disease. But at least there's a Chinese name for it, 童年期腦脊髓病變, and hopefully they could search for more information in Chinese using that term. Auntie might have to go to Hong Kong to get the blood test. I doubt that they have it in Macau. I just wish her medical insurance will cover the cost of it. I remember the Genetics Counselor told me that it costs $800 to get it done here in the States, and that is just for one DNA. You have about 12 different ones tested. Luckily, our insurance covered the cost.
I just wish I am the only unlucky one in the family, and everything started from me. I pray that Auntie Mena is going to be fine. Because then, it'll stop right here. I will not have another baby, thus, won't risk having a baby girl to pass the mutated DNA to the next generation. Maybe that's God's way of putting a stop to this, that's why you're a boy and not a girl. You put a stop to this by sacrificing yourself for us all.
Tomorrow will be another busy day. Mommy will still miss you, but you might have to share Mommy's brain power with my job now.
Miss you,
Mommy
It's such a busy day today. So many things to do at work that I don't even know which task to tackle first. They all seem to be up there on the priority list: setting up meetings, revamping staff's schedules, staff coverage, client issues...etc..etc... But you know what, I had fun! I feel useful again. Everyone at work was very welcoming, co-workers and clients. Most people knew about your passing, but some don't. I think I said "He passed away" twice today. I believe others felt worse than I do when I said that. Today is just all internal communication. The next few days, or weeks or even months, I would have more interaction with other agencies and social workers. They might not know about you, just that I gave birth to you, and I would probably have to say "He passed away" more, and then making THEM feel bad.
I think work is good for me. During idle times, such as, laying in bed waiting for your brother to fall asleep, doing dishes, and even in the shower, I would be thinking about work, instead of your passing. But I still think of you often. Certain things or events brought me back to you. Just like earlier tonight, I was applying some A&D on your big brother, and I immediately recalled how the nurses at the PICU applied thick layers of cream on your butt when you had diarrhea due to the antibiotics. Of course, whenever I see a baby, or baby product, I thought of you. When I go into your empty bedroom, especially now that we have given your playpen away, I feel empty inside. There are still a lot of your stuff in your room, but somehow it still feels empty because the big oxygen tank isn't there, the playpen isn't there, the rocker is hidden somewhere, and most importantly you're not there.
I also broke the news to Ah Po and Auntie Mena today. Ah Po called me earlier today and I told her about the blood test result, and tried to explain that in Chinese as much as I could. I actually just Skyped with Auntie Mena and told her about the news as well. I sent her a copy of my blood test result, so that she could show the doctors in Macau which DNA to test for. I also sent her the only Chinese link I could find on Leigh's Disease. But at least there's a Chinese name for it, 童年期腦脊髓病變, and hopefully they could search for more information in Chinese using that term. Auntie might have to go to Hong Kong to get the blood test. I doubt that they have it in Macau. I just wish her medical insurance will cover the cost of it. I remember the Genetics Counselor told me that it costs $800 to get it done here in the States, and that is just for one DNA. You have about 12 different ones tested. Luckily, our insurance covered the cost.
I just wish I am the only unlucky one in the family, and everything started from me. I pray that Auntie Mena is going to be fine. Because then, it'll stop right here. I will not have another baby, thus, won't risk having a baby girl to pass the mutated DNA to the next generation. Maybe that's God's way of putting a stop to this, that's why you're a boy and not a girl. You put a stop to this by sacrificing yourself for us all.
Tomorrow will be another busy day. Mommy will still miss you, but you might have to share Mommy's brain power with my job now.
Miss you,
Mommy
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