What a Surprise! You got your door!

Dear Logan,

Did you like the little pumpkin that we left for you? We decorated it with the stickers that your brother got from his goody bag at school, and the rubber ducky and the spider ring were also from the goody bag. We were SO surprised to see your new door. I didn't get a phone call, or email, notifying us that it's ready. That's why when your brother visited you today, he couldn't find you! Then Daddy noticed that your new door has arrived. I was glad that it came right on time, and actually earlier than expected. However, it also sealed the deal. It solidifies the reality that you're really no longer here with us.

Today is Halloween, and we had such a fun, and busy day. But first off, before we came to see you, we went to get our flu shots. We spent the night down in Sunnyvale, just so that we could get up early and head to Kaiser for our flu shots. This is the only Kaiser in the area that opens on Saturday for flu shots from 9-4 p.m. We missed it last week, so we specifically planned to be there today. Your brother immediately recognized the hospital was where you stayed. He still remembered you were there and spoke about it. When Mommy tried to tell him the plan for the day, I usually liked to say, Number 1 ...... , Number 2......, Number 3..... Today, he said this himself, "No. 1 get shot, No. 2 see Logan, No. 3 bouncy house". Just because we're at the same hospital, that's why he put you as No. 2. Your brother never forgets about you. He still remembers you, but unfortunately, it seems likes his last memories of you were the visits at the hospital.

Mommy has been super busy with work and with the move. I actually haven't been too emotional lately when thinking about you. Trust me, I still miss you a lot, especially, when I see other babies that are around your age. The pain is still there, I am just too busy to feel it right now.


Miss you,
Mommy

A Hundred Days

Dear Logan,

Last Saturday marked the 100th day of your entry to Heaven. We didn't do anything special for you aside from bringing you some flowers and singing you some songs. Did you like the songs that your brother sang to you? He actually sang you 3 songs! I think he's used to the idea that you're not in the hospital anymore. I told him you're in Heaven now. I remember reading about how to tell children of death, and that we should be concrete and not talk about angels and heaven. But, I am not sure what term I should use to refer to your new place. I don't want to introduce him to the term "cemetery". Instead, I said Heaven, because you ARE in Heaven and the name of the cemetery is Gate of Heaven.

I know Ah Gung and Ah Po had again arranged a mass for you in Macau. I didn't do that here. Instead, I sent a prayer request through St. Joseph's website and wish the kind parishioners would pray for you.

Wow, 100 days already. Sometimes it seems like you're gone for a long time, but sometimes it seems like we were just at the hospital not too long ago. It's weird.

After visiting you, Daddy, Mommy and Big brother went down to Sunnyvale. I'll tell you about our weekend in the next couple letters, ok?


Love you,
Mommy

Missing you

Hi Sweetheart,

Mommy has been thinking about you a lot lately. The first 10 days or so after I got back to work, I was thinking more about work. But for some reason, the last few days, I can't stop thinking about you. Maybe because we just designed your "door", so everything is fresh in my mind again.

You know what, everyday when Mommy goes to work, I pass by several cemeteries when driving through Colma. It never affected me this much. But I wish you're there so that I can stop by to see you, or at least drive by and say "Hello" to you. The cemeteries at Colma are definitely a lot closer to us now than Gate of Heaven. I could see that we could actually have a big tombstone for you there, instead of a small little marker. But once we move down South, Gate of Heaven is closer to us. I guess for the next few months, it'll be far, but once we move, we can come and see you a lot more often. Besides, I think Gate of Heaven looks nicer, with lush green, grassy hills, than the ones at Colma.

You know what, I was talking to an Art Instructor here at work yesterday and I asked him if he could help me photoshop one of your pictures to take out your nasal cannula. He knows Photoshop a lot better than I do, and he said his wife is actually even more proficient at it. So today, I gave him two pictures of you and see if his wife can take out those ugly big stickies on your face, and the nasal cannula. I really want a picture of you with nothing on your face. The one picture that we had, you were probabaly 1.5 months old, and the two that I have selected, you were about 3 months old. That's also two of my favorite pictures of you.

I'll post the pictures up for you to see once they got done, ok?


Miss you,
Mommy

I know it's been a while...

Dear Logan,

I am so sorry that I haven't written to you the past few days. Mommy was so tired after work each day. It's been a busy first week of work: reading over 40 client files to update myself on what's been going on (not even half way through), meeting with old and new clients, Manager meetings, paperwork, catching up with staff, etc. Each day after I got home from work, I am tired. If I stare at the computer for too long, I started to feel a little dizzy. Probably from too much computer time at work and too much reading. However, I am happy to be back to work. It actually gives me more energy, and I feel more productive. I still have to continue to make people feel uncomfortable by telling them you have left me. This week so far, I've told 2 social workers, 1 client mother, and a few other clients that I don't directly supervise. I am sure it will continue.

Did I tell you that my teeth are very sensitive to heat and cold again? I had that problem when you're in the hospital, but the problem went away when I went back to Macau. But after I got back, the sensitivity came back again. I guess subconsciously being back is stressful, and I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep again.

Our neighbors downstairs moved out. The husband lost his job and they couldn't afford to rent the downstairs apartment anymore. It's sad coz they were good neighbors. They prayed for you when they knew you're sick. New neighbors already moved in. Another Hispanic couple with a two-year, very shy boy. They moved in yesterday and we finally met them today.

On Friday, we'll be meeting with the counselor at Gate of Heaven to finalize your marker. I still don't know what the exact design it's going to be. Do you like angels, bears, or flowers? I'll have to talk to Daddy tomorrow.

So sweetheart, Daddy and Mommy will drop by to see you after the appointment, ok?


Love you,
Mommy

St. Andrew will watch over you

Hello Honey,

Mommy came to see you today. Just like last week, I took the potted Chrysanthemums home since tomorrow is mowing-the-grass-Thursday. Will bring it back, plus more pretty flowers for you on Saturday. Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and big brother will come to see you. It will be the first time your brother come to your new house. I need to think of a way to explain to him why you're at your new place and not in the hospital anymore.

Today, I walked up the hill behind your new place to the statue of a saint. I never ventured past your Queen of Angels area. As I walked uphill, I noticed many markers have Korean words and names. When I reached the statue, I read the story of St. Andrew Kim Taegon. St. Andrew was the first Korean-born priest and martyr. He was beheaded when he's 25 years old, and had only been a priest for 1 year and 1 month. Interestingly enough, St. Andrew went to seminary school in Macau, and was ordained as a deacon there. He was then ordained as a priest in Shanghai. I immediately felt a connection with him. I told him that Mommy's from Macau, and asked him to watch over you. I know he will take good care of you.

Mommy also received the photobooks and blog book that I made last week. That was fast. It's amazing to see how thick my blog book is. I couldn't believe I have written this much. Uncle CC said I should write a book. I am not sure if I have the talent, patience or the time to do that. Probably my blog posts will be the extent of my writing. It's very bittersweet to receive the books today. I know it will be as bittersweet to Ah Po and Grandma when I give them the photobook.

Take care for now. We will all come to see you soon.


Miss you,
Mommy

Do not be afraid, you're not alone...

Hello Sweetheart,

I hope you don't feel too lonely in your new 'home'? Mommy was so careless and forgetful that I forgot to pack everything before this morning. I should have done this way ahead of time: to pack the little stuff animal that Auntie Stacy got you, the rattler that Uncle Kyle and Auntie Leonor gave you, and especially the pendant and necklace that Auntie Mena sent from Macau. I even forgot to bring our family pictures. Luckily, Mommy was able to print some pictures at Kinko's today before heading to Gate of Heaven. I don't want you to be lonely. You need to know that you will forever be in our hearts.

Mommy did good today. I was calm and did not cry like a baby. When I picked you up from the funeral home, you were in this beautiful urn. I am sad because I could never hold your tiny little hands, kiss you on your forehead, or rock you to sleep while singing lulabies to you anymore. But I was holding you tight while traveling up to the cemetery. I could see that Daddy and Grandma missed you just as much as I did. Grandma was holding you, and couldn't stop rubbing the urn, just like when she was holding you in her arms. Daddy and Mommy were sad knowing that Grandma, Ah Gung and Ah Po were all crying when you left us. This is so heartbreaking, even though we know you're in a better place.

Did you see the pretty roses that Grandma and Grandpa got you? How about the lovely pot of chrysanthemum that Uncle John brought for you? Of course, don't forget the family picture we took on Christmas morning with Ah Gung and Ah Po, and a picture with Grandma right before you were hospitalized. We were so happy then.

But seeing your tiny urn inside the huge grave, got us all very upset. We didn't know it's going to look like that. Grandma was so upset that we didn't get you a nice box, so that we could put you in, before you touching the soil. We thought there would be a metal frame of some sort in the soil. You looked so alone in there. It was such a huge space for you. I am so sorry. Mommy really didn't know what to expect. Please don't be afraid, we will bring you more flowers and stuff animals on Friday. On Friday, Daddy and Mommy will be up there again to design your marker, and to visit you. Unfortunately, we couldn't come tomorrow because we had a lot of errands to do. Mommy will tell you all about it tomorrow, ok?

Mommy knows you are finally at peace. I am relieved, though the sadness is still there. There are still moments when I miss you so much. But I think I am doing well. Reading about other mommie's stories, and writing to you, have been helpful.

Take care for now, Mommy will talk to you some more tomorrow.


Love you,
Mommy

Missing you

Dear Baby,

Sorry Mommy didn't write to you yesterday. It was a long day and I just fell asleep with your big brother. We went over to KB Studio to select our carpet, flooring, cabinets, tiles, etc, etc, for our new home. When I saw the Disney packages, it almost brought tears to my eyes as I would really like to you to have the Winnie The Pooh room. That would be the perfect room for you.

Ah Po reminded Mommy that today marks a week of your passing. She is going to have a mass held on your behalf. According to Ah Po, that's what we do. Of course Mommy doesn't know all these things. I am not prepared to have to do this, not for my own child. Do you remember a week ago when you spent time with Daddy and Mommy? We both held you in our arms.

Mommy and Daddy will be picking up Grandma soon. Then we will drop off your big brother at school, and then head over to the funeral home to pick up your remains and the urn. We have selected a gold rectangular urn, with a teddy bear on the side. I hope you will like it. I am not sure how I would react when I see you and hold you. Either I will cry or I will be in a daze and don't know how to react. Your Uncle John and Father Peter will be joining us at the cemetery at 11 a.m. for your ceremony to bid our final goodbyes to you.

Mommy will see you in a little while, ok?


Love you,
Mommy