Children's interests do change often, don't they...

Just like all kids, especially first born children, Aidan has a whole toy box of toys. Actually, it's more than just one toy box as there's a box in each of the rooms for him. But he's been abandoning his toys lately and hasn't really dug in it to look for anything. His favorite toys change every so often. At one point, it was the very annoying caterpillar that my parents gave him, then it was the rocker guitar with loud music, then the Barney radio that he borrowed from day care and hasn't returned yet. All of his favorite toys have sounds and lights. Now these toys are untouched. When he opened his Thomas & Friends laptop birthday present, he couldn't take his hands off it. After a day, he forgot about it. Now that I think of it, the only toys that he's been consistently playing for the last few months was his Kidzoom digital camera and my laptop, although he has recently shown interests in his own laptop.

He used to watch The Wiggles concert every single day for a long time. We play their music in the car, watch their concert at home and Tivo'd their show. The Wiggles phase has gone. Then comes the phase of "Ni Hao Kai Lan". Oh my, every single day he wanted to watch Kai Lan, in the morning before daycare and in the evening after daycare. For some reason, he kept on wanting the same "Lu Lu day" episode for the longest time. That was so girly! I guess he liked it because of the bubbles at the end of the episode. He watched it so much that he memorizes everything they said. Of course, we have our fair share of Little Einstein and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. But recently, he hasn't asked to watch any TV (that's a good thing, right?). Maybe just a little Wiggles concert on the weekends.

One thing I am glad is his renewed interests of books. We used to read when he was younger. His favorite was "Goodnight Moon" (we read it so much that I had to buy a new book as the other one was all worn out). Then we read the monkeys jumping on the bed, and the big nursery rhymes book with Humpty Dumpty in the cover. Then he suddenly lost interests in all books. I tried and tried, as we all know we are supposed to read to our kids and hopefully they will read the whole Harry Potter collection by first grade (HA!). But no, he doesn't want anything to do with it. But then lately, he wants to read again. It's become our bedtime routine. We brush our teeth after dinner, change into his PJs and his nighttime diaper (I know, he's not potty-trained and that's a whole other subject), then he sits on my lap and we read 3 books before going to sleep. His favorite books have been "Monster Munchies", the Toddler Tales of Bartholomew the bear, and his Diego book. Sometimes we will read "Snow" as well but that book is a little longer and I usually suggest the other ones instead when it's close to 9 p.m. Let's hope this reading interest will continue. Maybe now that he's older, he actually understands what he's reading. Of course, he also memorizes those 3 books as well. I wish I have a great memory like that.

We're heading to his new preschool in a few hours for a trial/transition class. Before he starts school on Monday, I'd like to take him there for a visit and see how he likes it. I think it will go smoothly but you never know with kids. He has been clingy ever since Logan was born but maybe seeing other kids doing fun things will distract him enough to not want to stick to me.

p.s. Logan has been doing well. His appetite has slowly come back but I think he's still not eating enough. We have a neurologist appointment on Monday and I will see if he has gained enough weight then.

Reflections of Logan's ICN stay

After Logan's month-long stay at the Intensive Care Nursery, I often wonder what would I do if I do not have any health insurance. Hospitals often say they won't turn away anyone, especially babies if they were born needed services and support like this (actually, it was written in Kaiser's Patients Bill of Rights). However, what happens when the baby is discharged? You still have to pay for ongoing medication, equipment (like Logan's oxygen supply or apnea monitor), ongoing doctor's appointments which oftentimes include seeing different specialists. All of this cost money. I am pretty sure these are not covered within that Bill of Rights. Of course, there are free clinics and General Hospitals, but we all know they are not the nicest or friendliest places, esp. when you have to wait for months to get an appointment.

This makes me realize the importance of Universal Healthcare. I am not a very political person, but I do know this has been an important issue discussed during the Presidential election. I don't know how to make it work or how much it costs, I just hope affordable healthcare can be available to all those in need. Can you imagine seeing your baby suffer and you can't bring him/her to see a doctor?

I've also been thinking about participating in the March for Babies (March of Dimes) in San Francisco on April 25. Even though Logan wasn't a preemie, I've seen so many preemies at the ICN. They were all so tiny, some weren't even 2 lbs and they had different machines hooked up to them. It was already heartbreaking for me to see my "big" boy going through all the tests, hearing all the "ding ding" sounds coming from the monitors. You just can't help but look at the monitor and go crazy whenever the alarm sounded off. I remember the nurses kept on saying, "Don't look at the monitor, but look at your baby because first, you will go crazy, and second, there isn't a monitor at home. You need to be able to tell from the face of your baby. " And they are so right on that! I can totally tell when Logan's face changes color.

Back to the March for Babies... I am not sure if I can logistically bring two kids up to San Francisco before 9 a.m., braving through traffic and the nightmare of finding parking, to participate. Not even sure if I could raise a substantial amount for the cause either. Money is tight as I am not working at the moment, plus, with the recession and all, I am hesitant to ask for donations. Maybe if I know someone is doing it, I'll just donate some money instead.

Preemies are miracles! They are fighters!

He's home!

After a 5-night stay at the hospital, Logan is finally home! He was doing a lot better last night, just needed some bulb syringe suctioning, with no desaturation at all. He's sleeping quietly beside me at the moment. We're still very careful about his suctioning. Grandma borrowed a deep suctioning system from her hospital so that we could use it, at least until all the mucous is gone. I can still hear something in his nose or throat. Really gotta suction it all out before he eats later. I am so worried about him that I can't even go to the bathroom! I periodically look at his face to make sure he is still nice and pink, and occasionally make sure he is still breathing. Just doing that is going to make me crazy.

Before his hospitalization, we turned off the lights so that he can distinguish day from night. I guess we have to turn on the light at night again. I fear I can't see his face change if it's so dark. Usually, when he coughs in the middle of the night, I will wake up and prop him up a little. I am not sure if I will be able to get much sleep tonight at all. I hope a few good suctioning would be enough to make him feel comfortable.

Logan is a fighter, and he makes mommy stronger

So glad there's Wi-Fi at the hospital so that I can update my blog and have something to do while watching Logan. Ahh..the magic of the Silicon Valley, can't get that at San Francisco Kaiser, at least not inside the ICU.

Logan is doing well and is improving everyday. He started feeding and I have written some tips down for the nurses in feeding him. Logan is a spoiled little lobster and requires a lot of patience when eating. The doctor has decided to reduce his airflow and oxygen level. Hopefully, he can get back down to his original baseline, eat more and continue to grow stronger. Sometimes he still desats down to the high 80s, but he will come back up by himself. I have heard considerably less coughing from him today. It seems like his acid reflux has improved as well. He continues to have breathing treatment and deep suction of the secretions. Oh, how much he hated those suction! At least the one suction session that I witnessed today, he didn't really desat and I was there to comfort him and hold his tiny little hand. Overall, he's doing well.

After consulting with the neurologist, the doctor talked to be about a procedure called EMG. Basically, you use electric shock to shock Logan's muscles and nerves, to see if they are responding accordingly, as he is hypotonic. This is usually done when the patient is sedated, but because of Logan's apnea, it's not safe to sedate him. That means he has to go through the pain. I got a chance to talk to the person in charge of administering the procedure. He evaluated Logan and thought his neck is not too floppy. We could wait it out and see if he would grow stronger. Thank goodness he said that. I don't want to put him through more pain.

Looking back, I definitely think I have grown stronger as a mother. Remembering when Aidan was born, I couldn't bear witnessing his first set of immunization shots. I had to have Hank go inside with him and I waited for that to be all over with. When Logan was first at the NICU, I couldn't bear seeing them draw blood or put in the IV. Now, I have no problem witnessing all that. I am glad that I have gotten tougher, because I want to be there to hold his hand and tell him everything would be ok, when he is going through all that.

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As for Aidan, we finalized the paperwork for him to start preschool on March 2. He would be in the Jellyfish classroom and I am hoping the transition would be easy. He has never had problems going to daycare, or different babysitters. Separation anxiety was never a big problem, only a few incidents after Logan was born and he didn't want to go to daycare. Depending on how long Logan would be staying at the hospital, I might be able to take Aidan to the new preschool for an hour or so, a day or two next week, to help with the transition. Last time we brought him to check out another preschool, he didn't like it after he went inside because he saw the kids waking up from their naps. He does not want to nap at all! Hopefully, this time, he would be having fun and not be too clingy to me. I hate to let him start school without me being there to support him, just because his little brother needs my constant attention at the moment. Maybe everything really happens for a reason. Logan's hospitalization gives me the opportunity to focus on Aidan a little more during this transition and big milestone in his life.

A stable night with a few "adventures"

The first night at the PICU was ok. Logan had 4 desaturations (2 in the 20s, 1 in the 60s and 1 in the 70s) during deep suction. Deep suction was when they tried to put a thin suction tube in his nose all the way down to his throat to suction the mucous out of there. He didn't like it very much (of course, who would ?!?!) and when he's upset, he decided he didn't want to breathe and hold his breath. He was like that when he's younger, just hold his breath when he's upset, and now he's doing it again. Aside from that, I think he was fine.

During rounds, it's been decided that we would slowly feed him formula again instead of using IV. When I was there, I fed him some pedialyte, just to see how he took it. He took it fine and the next round of feeding, he should be taking normal formula, and no more special fortified one as he's getting chubby. A nutritionist will see him soon to confirm that he doesn't need the special 24 cal formula anymore and can have normal 20 cal ones.

Since the oxygen set-up at the hospital was a little different than at home, I asked how much oxygen he is using currently, compared to the 3/4 L that he's using at home. It seems like he's not using that much higher oxygen content, it's just the flow of air was stronger. As he's been doing ok, they decreased the flow of the air, and hopefully he would do well. He's also starting breathing therapy, by having a nebuliser emitting medicine so that he can breathe in the medicine to loosen up the mucous in this throat. While they're doing that, they use a rubber thingy to pound on his chest and back to help with the loosening of the mucous.

The PICU doctor said he would contact the neurologist to get more information on Logan and to see if there's any further testing that she would like to do. Santa Clara Kaiser has another Pediatric Neurologist, and I might meet with him as well, just to get a second opinion (it doesn't hurt to do so since Logan is there anyway). I might also consider him doing a muscle biopsy, after getting all the details about it. All of his tests came back negative (including the recent flu virus and RSV), and we still don't know what causes the hypotonia and the central sleep apnea. I am hoping the muscle biopsy can shed us some light. At first I didn't want Logan to get it, as it sounded really painful and I didn't want him to go through another test, which the result might come back negative as well. But with this hospitalization, he might as well do it since he's there, and if we can find out what's wrong and treat it, we don't have to go through this every time he gets a cold. We all know that babies get 8-10 colds a year!

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On a different note, we will be finalizing the paperwork for Aidan to go to preschool tomorrow. This is going to cost us an arm and a leg every month, but it's necessary. This branch of CCLC that we have selected is in Downtown Palo Alto and our friend's kids go there as well. The preschool is more along the way for Hank to transport Aidan everyday, and they close at 6:30 p.m. instead of 6:00 p.m. It is expensive, but he's getting too old to stay at the family day care. He needs to hang out with kids his age and to learn more. We're hoping he can start on March 2nd.

Another horrible night for Logan - ER & PICU

Really need to be careful what you wish for sometimes. I wished for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and I am getting that tonight, but for very bad reasons.

Last night at around 7:30 p.m., I was feeding Logan as usual. He suddenly turned very grayish purple and was not moving. I have not seen him turn this color since when he was 2 days old and had the episode at the hospital. I immediately called for Hank and we both tried to wake him up. I patted his back and lifted him up to my shoulder. Thank goodness he was OK. We turned up his oxygen level to 1 L and laid him down to rest, while we recovered from the shock and contemplated whether to take him to the ER or make an appointment to see the pediatrician the following day. 10-15 minutes later, he suddenly turned grayish blue again and we did the same thing to get him to breathe again. This time, we cranked up the oxygen to 1.5L instead of his normal 0.75L. Without hesitation, I called Kaiser and was instructed to take Logan to the Emergency Room. I immediately finished my dinner and I know from experience, a trip to the ER lasts hours. We have decided that I would take Logan to the ER, and Hank would stay with Aidan and tried to contact grandma to see if she could take care of Aidan.

I arrive at the ER at around 8:30 p.m. and Logan was seen within 10 mins. I reiterated the episodes (over and over again for the next 24 hours). Hank was able to get a hold of his mother to have her take care of Aidan, and come to the ER to meet with me. We were told that the Kaiser at SSF does not have a Pediatric unit and Logan was transferred to the Pediatric unit in SF. Logan had another minor episode while he was in the ER, and two more during the transport to SF when he was in the ambulance. I rode with Logan in the ambulance while Hank headed home because he had to work the following day and to take Aidan to daycare. We were lucky enough to find last-minute daycare because our usual provider is on vacation today.

Logan was admitted at around midnight and I told everyone about Logan's medical history and the events that happened that night. More tests were done on him (flu, RSV, blood count and I requested a blood gas as he has to do it anyway for the pulmonologist). Throughout the night, Logan had a few more desaturations and his oxygen level dropped to the 70s. One of his episodes was severe enough (dropped down to 18) that it lasted a minute, and needed a team of nurses to revive him. We kind of concluded that Logan might have a cold and his sinuses were blocked, thus making it hard for him to breathe. His sleep apnea certainly does not help the situation. We kept on suctioning the mucous out of his nose.

This morning, I was told that Logan needs to be transferred to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit either in Oakland or Santa Clara, as he needs more individualized attention from the nurse. In the normal Pediatric Unit in SF, it's hard for them to provide such service. Oakland's PICU was full, so Logan was transferred to the PICU in Santa Clara. I was actually relieved it's Santa Clara as I could tag along with Hank when he goes to work in Sunnyvale everyday to see Logan. Oakland is just really out of the way. For the transport to Santa Clara, Logan had to stop his feeding and put on IV, just in case something happened during transport and the medical team could give him the necessary medication. Besides, after feeding seemed to trigger some of these episodes.

Hank came to pick me up at SF and then we both went home after finalizing the decision to transfer him to Santa Clara. I then drove down to Santa Clara Kaiser to meet up with Logan. I was told casually that during the transport, Logan was being "naughty". I believe they did not want to worry me, but in reality, Logan did not like what was happening and refused to breathe. They had to manually give him oxygen during the transport. However, after arriving at Santa Clara Kaiser, and throughout the remaining of my stay, his oxygen saturation was good and did not dip down to any alarming level. He was giving a new nasal cannula and a different type of oxygen set-up, allowing his lungs to open up and to breathe better. He will continue to be on IV for the rest of the night, while being closely monitored. We do not know how long he would be staying at the PICU. He needs to have at least 24 hours without any episodes, and this might take a week or even more. For the time being, nurses continue to suction his nose for mucous, as that appear to be a big problem. Unfortunately, all of us at home are sick, and I KNEW Logan could not get sick because of his condition. Yet he still does. I am worried that he would have to go through such ordeal every time he gets a cold. We might not be this lucky every single time.

I just have to complain here. How can Kaiser in SF not have a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit??? Come on, it's San Francisco we are talking about here! Unfortunately, I've been to enough Kaiser in Northern California (SF, Oakland, Santa Clara, San Jose) to notice that Santa Clara Kaiser has the best layout with the medical offices and hospital buildings attach to each other and with plenty of free parking. Some other Kaiser has different departments all spread out and it's really inconvenient.

Please keep Logan in your prayers. We thank you in advance for that, and for all of your well wishes.

A Different Kind of Love

When I was pregnant with Logan, I was worried that I wouldn't love him as much as Aidan. How can you not love Aidan because he's my first baby and he's the best baby in the world. He's happy, funny, easy (no colic, no vomiting, no health problems, no issues), and he's adorable! I love him more than anything in the world. It's when you become a mom, that you realize you can love someone that much. Of course we have our share of freaky moments with Aidan. We've had our share our ER visits, though nothing major happened. We worried about his development, but we also enjoyed his every milestone. With such a 'perfect' baby, how could I love someone else as much ?

Here comes Logan. A very different baby than Aidan in every single way. Of course, we know he has his fair share of doctors and specialists visits, and he scared the heck out of us. The love I have for him is different. It's the over-protective motherly love. It's the I-would-rather-suffer-for-you-than-to-see-you-suffer kind of love. Do you know what I mean? He's not fragile anymore. He has actually gained quite a bit of weight (hooray!), yet every time I look at his face, I want to hold him and kiss him, and protect him from all those evil needles and tests. People say with the second child, you don't have to worry about milestones as your first child. You can actually sit back, relax and enjoy each of them. Oh no, they are so wrong. It doesn't apply to a baby like Logan, or maybe any preemie. I worry about his development. I worry he won't meet those milestones on a timely manner. He hasn't smiled yet and he's almost 3 months old! By 3 months, Aidan could hold up his head pretty well already, yet Logan's still floppy. I don't blame Logan for not smiling. How could he smile when he has gone through so much. How could anyone? Yet, I want to see that smile! He has some fake ones (when he's sleeping and when he's trying to move his cheeks to get rid of the nasal cannula, which looks like he's smiling). I was hoping he would smile for Ah Gung and Ah Po, as they have spent so much time taking care of him. Too bad, no smile. They went back to Macau now and hopefully, next time they come to visit (maybe in the summer), Logan would be happier and more engaging.

Did the cardioechogram today and of course, everything was fine! EVERYTHING is fine, that's the problem as, we still don't know what causes all this. The blood test sent to Chicago to test for hypoventilation, fine as well! Arrghh... I don't know if I want to find out the cause anymore. Let's wish he will continue to grow stronger, and then all problems will be solved.

Weight = 13 lbs 4 oz!!

Hearing Test and Bi-Pap Sleep Test

Well, Logan had his third hearing test on Feb 3rd, last Tuesday. He had two previous newborn screenings when he was at the ICN, but he failed both of them. This is the third one, and unfortunately, he failed that, too. The audiologist then did an ear drum test on both of his ears. The left ear drum responded normally to the vibrations, but the right eardrum barely passed it. The audiologist said it's too early to tell what was going on and would like Logan to come back for further tests. Logan would have to come back on the 26th to do another hour-long diagnostic test. With this test, the audiologist would be able to gather more information on the different parts of his ears. Let's hope Logan passes this, so we have one less thing to worry about him.

That same afternoon, the pulmonologist called and said Logan could do the Bi-pap test that night at Santa Clara Kaiser. We didn't have to wait till March 17 to get it done at the Sleep Center. So we immediately packed our stuff, waited for Logan to finish his feeding and fall asleep, then I drove him down to Santa Clara. The test was administered at their Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (I made a mistake in going to their NICU, oops).

For this test, they had to do a blood gas through his vein to get the baseline of his oxygen and carbon dioxide level first. Then they would redo the test during and after he's done using the Bi-Pap machine. I witnessed them poking his hand again to find that vein, maneuvering it a little because blood wasn't flowing. They need to see if the machine could help with eliminating the amount of CO2. Logan struggled and cried because he was being held down, and probably because the nurses looked like they were twisting his now bruised hand. But he didn't cry when the actual needle went in.

I first fed Logan, and then he had to rest for an hour before the test, so that he won't spit up or throw up into the mask and swallow it back into this lungs. They had him try on a mask that covered both his nose and mouth. However, the sizing wasn't right and air was leaking out of his chin. It looked super uncomfortable. Logan didn't cry or fuss much with this mask, either because it didn't bother him much, or he was just too tired.

This didn't work, so the respiratory therapist had to go to the NICU to get another new machine with a different mask. This one had two tubes that went into his nostrils and basically pumped air in it. Logan hated this mask. It was so comfortable to watch him go through that and I bet it's super uncomfortable for him. By the time it was placed, he was fully awake and annoyed. We couldn't get him back to sleep and it was approaching feeding time. At around 4 a.m., I fed him again and he finally went into his deep sleep at around 4:45-5:00 a.m. They put the annoying mask/tubing back into his nose and he was actually able to keep that in for an hour or so. At that point, I was so tired, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until around 6:15 a.m. when the nurse was doing another blood test. Fortunately or unfortunately, the machine did not change much the level of carbon dioxide.

We then got discharged from the hospital at around 9:30 a.m. and had to rush all the way back to San Francisco for his pulmonologist appointment at 10:30 a.m. We were a little late, but not as late as I worried. We talked a little bit about the test results and what happened. I commented that Logan's O2 saturation throughout the night (with his cannula in) was actually very good, mainly in the high 90s and 100. Except, when he was feeding and we took his cannula off, his numbers went down to the 70s. I told her I was confused why his numbers were so well, yet the blood gas results were not good. At least she assured me that Logan has enough oxygen going to his brain, thus won't interfere with brain development. The problem seems to be the inability to get rid of the carbon dioxide. She couldn't give me an answer, but to tell me to keep the cannula on, and forget about the bi-pap machine for now. She might check-in with the doctor of the Sleep Center again to see if they have a different mask and might have to re-do the test.

For now, I am looking forward to the ENT appointment in Oakland on Wednesday, because this doctor might be able to answer some of my questions regarding Logan's hearing, feeding, and breathing.

And we still need to do a cardioechogram on Tuesday to check his heart. I believe everything will be fine, it's just a precaution since the heart works closely with the lungs.

Happy Birthday, Ah Po (Grandma)!

Should have posted this long time ago, but life has been busy. Better late than never!

Ah Po's birthday was on the 7th day of the Lunar New Year. According to Chinese tradition, it is also everyone's birthday that day. So in order to celebrate this special occasion, what is better than a good seafood meal? We went to Hokkaido Seafood Buffet in Foster City on the night of the 31st for some yummy seafood. As always the restaurant was packed with people (mainly Chinese). We're lucky we didn't have to wait for too long for a table. But because we had Logan with us, we couldn't sit in the nice comfy booth with better ventilation, but had to cramp in another area that was noisier and hotter that we could put the carseat without blocking the passage way.

It's been a while since we went to Hokkaido. The food was actually quite delicious. It's a little more expensive than MoonStar in Daly City, but I think the food tasted better. They had a good selection of seafood including, two different kinds of crabs, lobster, clams, mussels, crab legs, crawfish, sushi, and pretty good quality sashimi. Let's not forget the different Chinese dishes and desserts. We ate so much fun posing with our food as well as eating them.

On Sunday, February 1st, which was Ah Po's actual birthday, we headed over to Millbrae for their Chinese New Year Celebration (minus Hank, since he's on call that day). It's a very small celebration compared to what SF was having, but it was still fun. Aidan got to spin the wheel and win prizes, drink lots of juices, and eat candies. We also watched some line dancing, which Aidan and Ah Po both danced with the dancers. There was also a big dragon and Taiko drumming. During all these festivities, Logan slept through all of them, even the drumming! The best activity for Aidan was the bubble gun. He loves shooting out bubbles using that gun.

Of course, we couldn't have a birthday without a birthday cake. A yummy chestnut birthday cake for Ah Po!