Dream...

Hi Logan,

Mommy had a dream about you last night. It's not really a good dream, because I dreamed of your funeral. It's weird. I remember being at some place like a funeral home, meeting with someone there to estimate the cost of the service. Well, it's some sort of meeting. Then for some reason, your great grand aunt #6 and #7 from Macau and China were there fixing flowers outside. I called them in, and instead of having a meeting with the funeral people, it became your funeral itself. I didn't see any other family member. The only person that was consistent in my dream was this funeral home person, who I have never met. I remember during your funeral service, we were led to this hall, kinda Church-like. But it was sectioned off into three different areas, with three different funeral services going on. A huge one was in the middle, attended by many. A smaller one on the right. We're on the left. I vaguely remember your coffin up there, but I don't remember seeing anyone else, or any faces that I recognize. Your funeral was only attended by me. It was sad. I don't remember the details of the rest of the dream. It's a very weird dream.

I think I had the dream because I finally finalized the design of your marker. Last night, I signed the second proof of it, and e-mailed it to the consultant at Gate of Heaven. It's confirmed, and it'll take up to 12 weeks for it to be completed. Maybe because of that, I had this weird dream of you.

I would have liked to dream of you as a baby in my arms, of me singing to you, or rocking you. But not of the supposedly you in the coffin. I didn't even get to see your face.

There are times when I tried to re-live the days that we had. I ended up always feeling sad, and had to hold back my tears. But I also don't want to forget about the little time that we have spent together. I worry that I will forget those times if I don't constantly remind myself of it. It's a viscious cycle of memory-sadness-memory-sadness.

I've been meaning to write to you about last weekend. We spent time and the night at Uncle Paul and Auntie Rachel's house. Your brother fed the chickens, stalked a kitty cat that didn't like to be stalked, and played miniature golf. We then went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival on Sunday. I plan to write to you in details about everything that happened, but I didn't feel like doing that anymore. Probably because it has been a few days already. Work has been busy, and I've been tired everyday after I get home. Sometimes I want to write to you, but I am too tired and don't want to concentrate to write. It doesn't help when my laptop space bar is not working and I have to actually sit in front of my pc to write. I just usually get online on my laptop these days when I am mindlessly web surfing or facebooking., while watching TV.

Anyway, I miss you so much. Time doesn't seem to make it any better.


Miss you,
Mommy