I survived the first day of work...

Hello Logan,


It's such a busy day today. So many things to do at work that I don't even know which task to tackle first. They all seem to be up there on the priority list: setting up meetings, revamping staff's schedules, staff coverage, client issues...etc..etc... But you know what, I had fun! I feel useful again. Everyone at work was very welcoming, co-workers and clients. Most people knew about your passing, but some don't. I think I said "He passed away" twice today. I believe others felt worse than I do when I said that. Today is just all internal communication. The next few days, or weeks or even months, I would have more interaction with other agencies and social workers. They might not know about you, just that I gave birth to you, and I would probably have to say "He passed away" more, and then making THEM feel bad.

I think work is good for me. During idle times, such as, laying in bed waiting for your brother to fall asleep, doing dishes, and even in the shower, I would be thinking about work, instead of your passing. But I still think of you often. Certain things or events brought me back to you. Just like earlier tonight, I was applying some A&D on your big brother, and I immediately recalled how the nurses at the PICU applied thick layers of cream on your butt when you had diarrhea due to the antibiotics. Of course, whenever I see a baby, or baby product, I thought of you. When I go into your empty bedroom, especially now that we have given your playpen away, I feel empty inside. There are still a lot of your stuff in your room, but somehow it still feels empty because the big oxygen tank isn't there, the playpen isn't there, the rocker is hidden somewhere, and most importantly you're not there.

I also broke the news to Ah Po and Auntie Mena today. Ah Po called me earlier today and I told her about the blood test result, and tried to explain that in Chinese as much as I could. I actually just Skyped with Auntie Mena and told her about the news as well. I sent her a copy of my blood test result, so that she could show the doctors in Macau which DNA to test for. I also sent her the only Chinese link I could find on Leigh's Disease. But at least there's a Chinese name for it, 童年期腦脊髓病變, and hopefully they could search for more information in Chinese using that term. Auntie might have to go to Hong Kong to get the blood test. I doubt that they have it in Macau. I just wish her medical insurance will cover the cost of it. I remember the Genetics Counselor told me that it costs $800 to get it done here in the States, and that is just for one DNA. You have about 12 different ones tested. Luckily, our insurance covered the cost.

I just wish I am the only unlucky one in the family, and everything started from me. I pray that Auntie Mena is going to be fine. Because then, it'll stop right here. I will not have another baby, thus, won't risk having a baby girl to pass the mutated DNA to the next generation. Maybe that's God's way of putting a stop to this, that's why you're a boy and not a girl. You put a stop to this by sacrificing yourself for us all.

Tomorrow will be another busy day. Mommy will still miss you, but you might have to share Mommy's brain power with my job now.


Miss you,
Mommy