How to find the balance

Dear Logan,

I've always tried to be very cognizant of the fact that your brother is an only child (not that I want to negate your existence), and that I can't spoil him rotten.  But also because of you, I've treasured the time and things that I do with him even more.  Well, granted I have my many moments of sitting in front of my laptop or TV instead of playing with him.  I always try to make sure he is happy and I want him to grow up to be happy and healthy.  Sometimes, I find it difficult to find that balance of catering to his happiness versus disciplining and not spoiling him.

He's only 4.5 yrs old.  He's a happy and healthy.  He loves going to school and playing with his friends.  Because he's not a baby anymore, he ought to know what he should and shouldn't do (for certain things).  I think sometimes we forget that he's still only a little boy, though he talks and acts like a little man these days.  Should we discipline him because he's not sitting still at the dinner table, or let it slide because he's only a 4 year-old energetic boy?  Should we force him to finish dinner, or let him go to bed hungry and learn his lesson?  Are we treating him like a 14-yr old sometimes, expecting too much from him?  He drives me crazy sometimes when he doesn't listen.  I just need to remind myself that, he's only 4.  But, am I letting him get his away by always using the excuse that he's still little? What's the middle road?

It's hard enough to find the balance in life for myself.  And it's even harder when you're a parent, trying to be a good and fair one, versus a mean and angry one.  The fact that I am 99.9999% sure that your brother will grow up as an only child, just makes this balance even more important.

Speaking of being the only child, it always saddens me when I go to a park or attend a birthday party, and then see other kids playing with their siblings.  Your brother will never be able to play with you anymore.  It hurts every single time I think about it.  I miss you, and I want him to have someone to play with.  I don't want Aidan to grow up to be lonely.

The other day, he was going through my computer and watching all the videos that I've taken.  He came across your pictures and your videos, and kept on playing this one video of your cooing and sneezing.  Oh, how I miss you at that point.  I told your brother I missed you,  and he said he missed you, too.  He still remembered you were at the hospital, and when he asked why you're there, I had to explain to him that you were sick.  I was glad I have taken pictures and videos of you (wishing I had taken a lot more), because Aidan can always watch them again, and never forget about you.  I don't know when he will be old enough to know the truth of your passing, and why we kept on visiting you at the cemetery.  I dread the arrival of that day.

I know I should write more often.  I just find it harder and harder to find the time and energy to actually write. There are many things I want to tell you.  But by the time I actually sit down, I forget what I was going to say.


Miss you,
Mommy