Brought back memories...

Hello Sweetheart,

Mommy had a client meeting earlier this afternoon. I was telling her that tomorrow she would be checking out a volunteer opportunity at Seton Medical Center. Her initial reaction was, sure. Then, she started getting emotional and shared that her aunt passed away at Seton last year. She told us that both her mother and aunt passed away last year, and it has been difficult to take the bus everyday passing by Seton Medical Center. Her life has changed so much within the last year, from living with her mother in Sacramento, to moving to the Bay Area. To staying home everyday, to going to a day program everyday. From not going anywhere, to being travel-trained and taking the bus everyday. She has made amazing progress and adjustments, yet she still misses her mother and aunt. When I heard what she had to say, I told her I understand how she feels, and it's OK if she doesn't want to volunteer there. We'll come up with other plans for her.

Of course I know how she feels. I feel the same way everyday I pass by the cemeteries on my way to work, and back home. Whenever I have to go to a hospital, whether it's Seton or Kaiser, or read stories about babies in NICU or PICU, or any baby suffering, I think of you. I didn't get emotional at the meeting, but stayed strong and supportive. Sometimes, I feel that I am not letting myself be emotional, or to grief. Life is too busy to grief. Mommy has always been a pretty happy-go-lucky person. And perhaps this personality has got me through these tough times. I see the good in people, and the good in situations. I am trying to see the positive.

Remember I told you that I stopped reading blogs about other griefing parents? I started doing that again. I feel that I am not mourning enough as it seems like my life has gone on. I've read about the hatred that some parents have towards others. I've read about all the different emotions that a new pregnancy has brought to a griefing parent. I don't necessarily agree or feel the same way, but I'd like to know how other griefing mothers are coping.

But sometimes, I wonder if I am in denial. I was reading about this article that a fellow Facebook friend/parent posted about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder among parents with babies in the NICU. I didn't feel as fazzled or depressed as described in the article. I do remember all the dinging of the monitors at the hospital, the good news/bad news situation, and the several medical social workers that have so kindly talked to me but also confused me because there would almost be a different social worker each day.

Mommy still misses you everyday. It pains me everytime when I think of your face when you were in the hospital.


Miss you so much,
Mommy