Making a conscious effort to think positive

*Updated 3:30 p.m.
Just talked to the doctor to get an update on Logan. It seems like last night he had a few episodes where he needed to be stimulated and put back on the ventilator. He was fine during the day but at night, I guess that's when he had his deep sleep and he forgot to breathe again. The IV on his head was out, but they were unable to find another spot to put it in. Unfortunately, they need to put a catheter either on his neck, chest or groin area to have a central line to give him medication, if needed. Doctor said kids on a ventilator usually have a central line for medication but because Logan wasn't on too many meds, they were holding off on giving him one. Since they can't find another spot and they've already tried his head, they need my consent over the phone for that. I can't really say no to it esp. when he's still having these apneic episodes. Of course, the doc had to tell me the risk of the catheter, such as, bleeding, infection, punctured lung (if it's on the neck or chest), and clots. Doctor said they will check his caffeine level in his blood first and then see what dosage to give him tomorrow (caffeine stimulates the brain to breathe). The opthamalogist will stop by tonight to evaluate his vision. The bloodwork for all the genetic tests were sent yesterday afternoon. On a positive note, his urine test came back negative, as well as his lactate and ammonia level. It's a relief that his lactate level is normal because that is a big indicator of Mitochondrial disease. Normal ammonia level indicates his liver is working fine. But doctor said because of his stroke, there is still a chance that it might be Mitochondrial Disease because it's still a mystery why he had it. I asked if Logan had the stroke when he's inside of me, would his first MRI showed that, and she said it would. Therefore, the stroke had to have happened after his birth. Now that the bloodwork is sent, the real waiting period has begun.

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I didn't go to the hospital today because I am still coughing pretty bad. I didn't want to get Logan sick. I will definitely go tomorrow, while wearing a mask, just in case. I did call the hospital this morning to check-in. The nurse told me they tried to wean him off the ventilator again last night, but he didn't like it. This morning, they did it again, and he was able to breathe on his own for 45 mins (that's when I called), and was doing fine. They will continue to have him breathe on his own a few times a day for an hour, to see how he does. I told the nurse to have the doctor call me when she's done with rounds so that I could get more updates. I haven't heard from the doctor yet. I will probably give her a call later this afternoon if I don't hear from her.

On the other hand, I am trying very hard to stay positive. I am trying to block all the negative thoughts, e.g. Logan's tough life facing him, how we're going to raise him, his difficulties, our difficulties, the test results and of course, Mitochondrial Disease. If I don't make a conscious effort, these negative thoughts will creep out of nowhere, esp. when I am driving. I am trying to rest and stay positive, so that when the results of the blood tests come, I will have the energy to deal with the result. Even though I am sad that I couldn't be at the hospital to morally support Logan, in a way, I am relieved to be away from the hospital. Hospitals, despite how nice people are, are depressing, esp. in the Intensive Care Unit. I think a breather will be good for my soul. However, I don't want to stay away from Logan for too long. I don't know if he can hear me (because he's sedated and he might have a hearing impairment), I still like to talk to him once in a while. A few words of encouragement here and there.

Don't worry, we are doing fine, for now. We're trying to stay strong and positive. A dose of The Ellen Degeneres Show a day and some Sprinkles Cupcakes are keeping me healthy mentally.