They just keep on reminding me that you're gone

Dear Logan,

I think Mommy is sick. I've been coughing for the last few days and tonight I started having a runny nose. At first I thought it might be allergies, but since it's been raining the last few days, it's probably not allergies. I hope it's nothing serious like the H151 flu, but just a simple cold. Another week and I'll be flying with your brother to Macau, I better get over this cold real soon and not get your brother sick. I hate getting sick. I've been sick a lot this year. I thought now that Spring has arrived, I won't catch a cold or flu anymore. Obviously, I am wrong.

Remember I last told you how the mail from the Musculoskeletal Transplant Foundation reminded me that you have left us? How ironic was it that I received a phone call from the funeral home on Friday afternoon, telling me that your death certificate is ready to be picked up. That's just too fast! I haven't even gotten your birth certificate yet, and I am getting the death one. We keep on getting cards and letters in the mail that remind us of your passing. Tthe nice folks at the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation sent us a card with many signatures and words of kindness. I am not sure how they know or find us, probably through the donation that they have received in memory of you. I also received your second SSI check and a letter from Social Security the same day regarding your passing. I need to return that check as well. And then, a card from the psychologist, giving us more grieving information, and a card from the cemetery reminding us of the mass this coming Saturday. All of this arrived on Friday. All the information confirming the deadly news that you're gone and won't be back.

I have set my computer screen saver to be pictures of you and your big brother. I've taken many pictures of you when you're in the hospital. I feel bad that I didn't take too many when you're home with us. I never knew the time that you spent at home was so short. It was only 2.5 months. I didn't even take that many pictures with you. When I took pictures of your at the hospital, I always told the doctors and nurses that we would be laughing about all this when you grow up. Mommy is going to show you all these pictures of you: getting an IV on your head, a nasal cannula in your nose, a ng tube down your nose, tube down your throat, sleep studies, EEG, EKG, and all your hospital gowns. We would be laughing at what you have put mommy and daddy through, and scared the heck out of us. But now these pictures just became evidence that you have spent too much time at the hospital. It pains me to see these pictures, but it also brings me joy to still see your face.

Aside from the photo album that I've made, I have also made a book out of all these blog entries. These posts have been the story of your life. The book titled "Tales of The Lobster" is going to be 124 pages long. It has all of my blog entries of you, starting from your birth story until the day of your funeral service. I noticed that most of the posts were written about your hospital stay. I didn't blog enough of your life at home. I am sad about that.

Mommy is staying strong, but I've noticed that I've lost my patience. I used to be very patient: patient with your brother, patient with daddy. But now, I've exploded numerous time within the last couple weeks. Am I going to be patient again? Or is it just going downhill from here onwards? Mommy has gained weight as well. When I was with you the past couple months, I've lost weight and was able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes. But since you've been gone, I've been eating a lot more. Food as always been my comfort when I am stressed out. I've been eating way too much ice-cream.

How I wish life would get back to normal. But will it ever? I don't know.

Take care, my love. Mommy will talk to you soon.

Miss you,

Mommy