Sleep Battles

Dear Logan,

It's been really difficult in putting your brother to sleep. When he was young, he was such a good sleepy baby. I would lay him down in his crib, and he would go to sleep by himself. Even when we converted his crib into a toddler bed, he had no problem falling asleep and wouldn't climb out. But when he turned 2.5, and when I was pregnant with you, he suddenly wouldn't sleep on his own. I am not sure if he finally discovered that he could get out of his bed, or he had too much fun that he didn't want to sleep, or he knew something is going to change because of your arrival. Up until now, getting him to sleep has been difficult.

Because of all of your equipment back then, we had to move your brother's bed to our room. Thus, he ended up sleeping in our room and our bed ever since you came home from the hospital in December. He would not go to sleep on his own anymore. I had to sleep with him, wait till he's asleep and then get out, or most of the time, I just fell asleep with him. If I moved him back to his bed, he would climb back into ours in the middle of the night.

Naps have been especially difficult lately. He didn't nap yesterday and he didn't nap today. I tried for 1.5 hrs yesterday to get him to nap, and I had to give up. Today, I tried for 2.5 hours and he just wouldn't sleep. I have sweet-talked, threatened, even hit him, to try to get him to sleep, but he just played around and moved around in bed. I think the bed is too big for him, as it gives him a lot of room to twist and turn. I tried putting him to time out so that he would cry and get tired. Didn't work, wasn't tired enough to fall asleep. I got so frustrated with him at one point, I started crying. Your brother saw me, and immediately I saw his guilty look. He knew I was upset because of him. I apologized to him for hitting him, but I also explained to him why I was upset. He hugged and kissed me, laid down in his bed and was quiet for a while. But that didn't last long, he became his usual active self again. Because he didn't sleep, I punished him by not letting Auntie Angela and Grandauntie take him out to play. He probably didn't know what he has missed out. I think it's more of a punishment to Auntie Angela, coz she really wanted to take him out and could only do that on the weekends when she doesn't have to go to school.

Mommy and big brother also went out to dinner tonight. We met up with some of Mommy's friends. Except one Uncle, most uncles and aunties brought their little ones out as well. We had a 2-month old baby girl, an 18-month old toddler, a 2.5 year old girl, and your big brother. So, Aidan was the oldest of all. It was nice to see the kids interacted at the end of the dinner when we're hanging out outside of the restaurant. They were all just running around, while the parents cautiously making sure none of them run out to the street or do something dangerous. Of course, your big brother was running and jumping around, and was the only one that fell down a few times and scraped his knees. Because we saw the kids had such a wonderful time, we decided to have a playdate this coming Sunday.

One of my friends mentioned that he thought I was pregnant not too long ago, but seeing Aidan, it was quite some time. Apparently, some of them didn't know about you. I didn't quite know how to approach that subject. I casually said I was actually pregnant not too long ago, but I stopped at that. Not that I mind talking about you, I just don't know how and where to begin. I didn't want you to be a taboo subject. I want you to be remembered, and to have people know of your existence. Your existence should not be ignored and forgotten, because it was such a difficult experience. I guess I should be more prepared next time. For some reason, I thought everyone knew about you. You know how news can spread like wildfire sometimes, esp. news like this.

Don't worry, Mommy is fine. I think when I cried today because of your big brother, it was a combination of frustration and stress that were built up. I guess I need my friends to know that I AM doing fine, and it's ok to talk about you, or even to ask to see your pictures. I have your pictures with me all the time.

Mommy will always love you, even though sometimes memories bring back tears. Your big brother remembers you as well, because he sees your picture everyday. Everytime he hears a baby cries, he mentions "Baby Logan".


Love you,
Mommy