Hi Logan,
Everyone misses you here, especially, because tomorrow marks the end of the 49 days that you have gone. I just finished having a conversation with Ah Po about you. She shared her two miscarriages experience with me. She actually shared that with me when she came to visit earlier this year. She was talking to Grandaunt #6 today about you, and they started having questions about your illness. I tried my very best to explain the genetic DNA, and the mutation of the DNA inside the mitochondria. It's very hard to explain it to her, esp. when I have to do that in Chinese. There are so many medical terms, and explaining in Chinese makes it even more difficult. She questioned if her miscarriages had anything to do with you. Ah Po first had a healthy baby (me), then a miscarriage and a stillborn at 5 months afterwards. Just like me, I had your big brother, and then I lost you. Both situations seemed to be quite different, but we never know if there's a correlation when it comes to the genetic make-up of the DNA. I told her that I have gotten tested, and will be meeting with a Geneticist on June 29. I explained to her that if I am tested positive for carrying that same DNA mutation, it's very likely your brother, Uncle and Auntie also have that. Then I would have your brother tested as well, and would strongly suggest Auntie to get tested in Macau, though I am not sure how to go about doing that. I haven't told Auntie any of this, because I don't want to scare her. I need some confirmation. Ah Po and Mommy also talked about Mommy having another baby in the future, just like she had Uncle and Auntie after her miscarriages. I told her I won't decide anything until I know the blood test result. Just as I have told you yesterday, I would definitely not have another baby if I am tested positive. Ah Po thinks that it's still OK to wait a year or two if everything's good to have another child. We don't want your big brother to be lonely. Towards the end of our conversation, Ah Po asked what you were like the day you left. I told her, you were sleeping and I just watched you gave out your last breath and left us. I stopped her from asking more questions and told her to rest, as she just recovered from her surgery, and I could see that she's getting teary-eyed. I don't want to lie to her about what happened, yet I don't think she's ready to know the truth. I just withheld some information until she's healthier.
Mommy went to dinner with two friends earlier tonight, without your brother tagging along. It's the first time I've told my friends, in person, regarding your illness. I was calm and didn't break down. I felt like I have told this story many, many times. We talked about relationships, having kids, work life balance, etc. It's actually a very nice dinner and conversation. If I have brought your brother with me, I would be busy keeping him quiet and feeding him, and won't have time to actually catch up with my friends.
I should be going to bed early tonight, but I am not sleepy at all. I've been having insomnia the last few nights. I didn't go to bed until 2 or 3 a.m. I noticed I am less stressed out, because I don't grind my teeth at night, and my teeth sensitivity has definitely decreased. I still feel tired, but probably from chasing your brother around at the new City of Dreams today. Your brother wanted to be carried when he's in unfamiliar territories. That means he needs to be carried quite a lotm as we're in Macau. I guess I am getting my work out that way.
49 days already. Time sure flies. I can still remember clearly what happened that day. I am sure Daddy remembers it just as well.
I know you're in good hands now. Mommy doesn't have to worry about you anymore.
Love you,
Mommy
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